Frasier 2020
by Dracostarfire84
Summary: Frasier is back, but not really because this series takes place in the 00's. He still lives with his dad and quirky physio-therapist, and has misadventures with his brother Niles and producer Roz.
1. Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Frasier 1.0: "_Gotta Catch 'Em All!_"

"**Fake Pet Creatures"**

Frasier was relaxing at his usual spot within Cafe Nervosa. The barista woman had came and taken his order; a freshly made pumpkin-spice latte, light on the crème with two cubes of sugar.

Frasier reached down into his backpack and withdrew an electronic tablet and began perusing his favorite psychiatric website when the door burst open and Niles busted in wearing a large safari hat and wielding a large net dressed like a big game hunter.

"FRASIER!" He screamed panickedly, Frasier looked up from his tablet and glared at Niles, "My god man, what is wrong with you!?" Frasier chided him. Niles sat the net down next to the table and sat across from his brother, "I have been run absolutely ragged today, RAGGED!" he reiterated for emphasis. Frasier raised an eyebrow, "Maris have you running errands about town again?" he inquired with a smirk. "Errands would be one thing," Niles started, "but THIS is something entirely different!" Niles added revealing his smart phone with a miniature version of himself walking on a map with little creatures popping in around him. Frasier took a close look at the phone screen and threw down his newspaper in disappointment, "Niles what bizarre pedestrian flavor-of-the-week fad have you fallen for this time?" Frasier asked annoyed. "It is NOT a FAD!?" Niles rebuked eyeballing his smart phone.

Frasier shook his head in dismay as he returned to reading his psychiatry book, meanwhile the barista woman returned with Frasier's order and turned to Niles, "You want anything today sir?" she asked. "Just the usual." Niles replied, not taking his eyes off of the smart phone. "So one thimble of apple-cinnamon hot tea?" the barista woman said aloud. "Yup!" Niles said while trying to catch a Magikarp. "Niles!" Frasier exclaimed, "look at yourself, you can't even pay attention you're so engrossed with that infernal video contraption!" "That is NOT true!?" Niles rebuked, slightly eyeing back and forth between his brother and the phone. "Aw damn it!" He shrieked. "Lost the game?" Frasier inquired with a smirk. "I just ran out of balls." Niles replied, turning off the game and slipping the phone into his pocket. "It's just as well, Maris has me running like a madman trying to round up all of these pokemon." Niles admitted. "Niles are you seriously telling me that you have been walking all over town, engaging yourself in a children's video-activity, trying to capture virtual creatures all on behalf of Maris?" Frasier questioned. "Oh not just in town, last week I made a last-minute flight to Japan and it only took me twenty-four hours and ten trips to the Kan'ei-ji pokestop to get a Farfetch'd!" Niles explained. "Oh this is absolutely ridiculous!" Frasier concluded. "Oh it's actually not that bad, last week I collected the Kanto section and this week I'm working through the Johto league." Niles explained. "Niles she is literally running you around the world for these-these fake pet creatures?!" Niles gasped and looked at Frasier in shock, "THEY ARE NOT FAKE!" Niles said standing to his feet. "Offended Niles?" Frasier asked. "Yes!" Niles hollered as he reached the door, "And there's a raid going on over at the children's cancer hospital!" He exclaimed as he dashed through the door, phone in hand. The barista woman approached Frasier's table with his now absent brother's order and looked for him annoyed while Frasier shrugged and returned to his electronic tablet.

"**French An Ships"**

Frasier pushed open the door to his lavish Seattle condominium within the Elliott-Bay Towers, blazer draped over his arm as he stepped into the threshold and closed the door behind him, turning to glimpse Mr. Bottomsley – his gray furred British Short-Haired cat resting on the arm of the sofa. "Hello Mister Bottomsley!" Frasier greeted happily, then Eddie the dog rushed out of the kitchen and jumped onto the sofa to greet Frasier. "Hello everyone, I'm home!" He announced, then made eye contact with the small dog, "Hello Eddie." he said with a flat, grim voice.

Just then Daphne stepped in from the kitchen, her hair tied up in a bun and wearing a white apron. "OI 'ALLO DOCKTA CROYNE, WUHY ITSA BOIN EH LUFFLEE DIE INNIT!?" Frasier glared at the cockney woman with a degree of uncertainty as to whether she was making a threat to him or greeting him. "WEAVE GUTTER FRENCH AN SHIPS GOON AN DEH BABY!" Unsure as whether his life was actually in danger or not, Dr. Crane merely smiled and nodded to the British woman. "OOOH WEAVE GUTTER SETCHA AHP FIR' DUH LION REEDEN INNIT!?" Frasier just smiled and shook his hands like a nervous person. "OI BETCHA GUTTER EEL GROOT FOR SHOON DOCKTA CROYNE!" Daphne exclaimed assuredly. "OI SEEM LOBSTER WITCHES AN GOOLD IN YOOR FEW SURE!" Frasier just left the living-room and went into his bedroom and closed and locked his door, clearly no longer caring what the limey psychic had to foretell.

Frasier dropped the navy blue blazer onto his bed and went to his private stash of Frasier tapes to check on his collection. He eyeballed the section from "1993" and wondered if his dad had recorded over any with skin flicks from the Spice channel. Just then he heard a loud commotion and a scream from the living-room. Frasier went to the door and popped his head out into the hall; "WHERE THE HELL IS MY DAMN PAPER!?" Martin screamed angrily. "OI DINNAE SEEYO PEPPER'YA CRONKY OL GIT!" Daphne replied. "Well I need my newspaper, I can't begin the day without it!" Martin shrieked. Frasier sighed and stepped into the living-room, "Dad have you checked behind the faux fire hydrant in the hallway?" "Uh no Fraze I hadn't thought of that because my ALZHEIMER'S!" Martin shouted annoyed, "Of course I looked!" "Well it has to be around somewhere!" Frasier explained, "I don't know where I checked everywhere!" Martin replied. "There has to be a rational explanation to all of this." Frasier concluded, "Oh there is." Martin responded, "That Mrs. Magrini stole it I just know it!" Martin deduced, "Trump was right, I'm calling ICE!" Martin added. "Dad, Mrs. Magrini is not Mexican." Frasier explained. "She's foreign, probably here illegally, I'm calling ICE!" Martin screeched as he picked up the landline telephone and began dialing, "Dad, dad!" Frasier panicked, "Put down that phone!" He shouted. "Mrs. Magrini is an AMERICAN, she's from New Jersey." Frasier explained. "Ugh, That makes it worse!" Martin complained as he tried dialing, but Frasier took the phone and ripped it out of the wall. "No police!" Frasier yelled. "OI YA BLUDDAH DINNAE ES BORNING DEH BABY!" Daphne screamed from the kitchen. Martin and Frasier just exchanged concerned looks before quietly grabbing their coats and sneaking out of the apartment.

"**Don't patronize me fatso"**

Frasier arrives early to the station and is greeted by Kenny who is walking away from a vending machine, carrying a lifetime supply of candy, chips and soda. "Oh hi Doctor Crane you're on in five." Kenny said with a smile. "Yes I know Kenny," Frasier hissed "And don't patronize me fatso." he added before storming off into his office. "Good morning Frasier." Roz greeted her co-worker while readying the day's tape. "What's so good about it?" Frasier questioned. "Uh oh someone's in a bad mood." Roz deduced. "Roz your skills at deduction would give Sherlock Holmes a run for his money." Frasier replied angrily. "Geez what's gotten you in a bunch?" Roz inquired. "It's my balls Roz, I've lost 'em all!" Frasier cried into his hands. "Y-your balls?" Roz questioned unsure. "Yes, I had fifty when I started and then I was down to thirty, then ten and now none!" Frasier cried even more, "And don't even get me started on the great balls!" Then it dawned on Roz what he was talking about, "Oh you got swept up in that Pokemon Go fad huh?" Frasier looked up from his hands, "IT is NOT a FAD!?" He denied, "Well fad or not you're in in three seconds!" Roz replied pointing to the clock. Frasier stumbled for his headset and switched his microphone on.

"Hello Seattle, I am Doctor Frasier Crane and I'm listening." Frasier said with a smug look and an already obvious sense of self-accomplishment. "Doctor Crane we have our first caller." Roz announced, "Excellent Roz!" Frasier replied. "This is Cathy, she says she's stuck on some emotional nocturnal problems." Roz explained. "Go ahead Cathy, I'm listening." "Hi Doctor Crane, I've been playing Pokemon Go for about three years now and I just can't seem to land a Sableye. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong!" the woman cried into the phone. "Well Cathy while Sableye IS in fact a nocturnal pokemon, it is extremely rare and your chances of encountering one are very low." Frasier explained. "But I've been doing really good at the game, I've leveled up to forty-three and walk with my buddy everyday. I incubate six or seven eggs a day, send gifts to friends, I even quit my job and moved to Takoma so I could devote my life to playing this game!" Cathy cried. "Cathy please calm down." Frasier tone policed, "Whether you believe it or not, right now you are on the right path you just need to be patient and let the Sableye come to you organically." Frasier suggested. "Do you have one Doctor Crane?" Cathy inquired. "Yes...?" Frasier replied hesitantly. "Can I have it? I'll trade you a Houndour, a Mew!" Cathy asked excitedly. "No you cannot...because It's mine!" He said before hanging up the call.

"**On the battlefield of pokemon go; it's every man for himself!"**

Meanwhile Martin was watching a European erotic movie on his 40 inch flatscreen television. He grabbed his cane and hobbled off into his bedroom, grabbed an economy sized bottle of lotion from off of his dresser and a box of tissues and returned to his tattered green-brown chair in the living-room. He sat down on the chair, placing the lotion and box of tissues on the little table beside his chair before reaching for his belt buckle, fumbling to undo it while the doorbell rang three times, "Damn it!" Martin shrieked as he ambled to his feet and hurriedly tried to mute the European adult video that was blaring at loud volume levels, then the doorbell rang again, "Just a minute!" Martin screeched as he hobbled from his chair up and over to the entryway door. Martin braced himself and gripped the doorknob before ripping it open only to be face to face by Lilith Sternin. Martin screamed like a teenage girl being murdered by a Jason Voorhees in the summer camp showers, meanwhile Lilith stared blankly at him making zero facial expressions and showing zero emotion, "Hello Martin." she droned. "L-Lilith w-what brings you here?" Martin questioned, "I didn't realize it was the apocalypse already." Lilith meekly "Mona Lisa" smiled at the compliment, "No I'm here for Frasier." "Your here for Frasier's soul?" Martin gasped. "No, I'm here to see Frasier about Frederick." Lilith corrected. "Oh!" Martin sighed with relief, clutching his heart.

Martin ambled aside to allow Lilith into the apartment and closed shut the door once she was on the threshold. "Ah Sussex Sluts Three!" Lilith exclaimed pointing at the adult video playing on the flatscreen. "The original was better." Lilith added. "I don't know how this smut keeps clogging up the airwaves, I was just trying to find the travel channel honest!" Martin explained. "I see." Lilith replied, removing her black trench coat and sitting herself on the sofa. "So where is my ex-husband?" Lilith inquired. "Probably at the park." Martin replied, fumbling with the remote and futilely attempting to change the channel to anything other than the adult video that was playing. "OI MOTT'S ED HISS ACHTUNG APP MIKE SEAMING TANGS!" Daphne shouted as she stormed out of the kitchen with a compress on her head. "WAZZ DAE WEEBLE OMEN SKATING OE'R COOCH?!" Daphne said as she made eye contact with Lilith. "Uh Daphne you remember Lilith...Frasier's Ex." Martin said nervously. "OI YER NAE KNOT TED WORMING EH?" Daphne said with a chuckle. Lilith glared at her with a blank stare before asking, "Was that supposed to be English?" "We think we've narrowed it down to either English or Brain Tumor." Martin replied.

Just then there was a rumbling, and _"O-Fortuna"_ began blaring loudly. "Oh sorry that's for me." Lilith announced as she reached for her cell phone. "Hello? Frederick what are you doing? What? What?! WHAT!?" Lilith shrieked, while Martin and Daphne exchanged concerned looks with each other, before quietly tiptoeing out of the living-room. "Frederick no I forbid it, I forbid you from doing it!" Lilith shouted sternly, just as the front door swung open and Frasier stepped inside and closed it. Lilith looked at Frasier relieved and handed him the phone, "Frasier, tell your son he cannot pierce his 'gooch'!" Lilith demanded, "his what?" Frasier questioned before Lilith leaned in and whispered into his ear. "MY GOD!" Frasier screamed before grabbing the phone and yelling at Frederick. "Fred-Frederick, Freddy!" Frasier hesitated, "You cannot do that do you hear me, YOU CANNOT!" he added. "You will not commit suicide I forbid it!" Frasier shouted at his son over the phone before hanging up and handing the cell back over to Lilith, who looked at Frasier with a satisfied smirk. "Where on EARTH would he pick up an absolutely crazy idea like that?" Frasier questioned. "The Mulberry Academy." Lilith replied dryly. "Goddamn it!" Frasier cursed, "Why on earth did we try so hard to get him enrolled there?" Frasier questioned, "Because we didn't want him working at Wal-mart." Lilith replied.

Suddenly the doorbell rang and Frasier answered it to be greeted by Niles riding his segway scooter, "Hello you Freudian Squares!" Niles shouted while playing Pokemon Go on his smart phone. "Niles, what a surprise." Frasier muttered dryly. "Niles should you be driving while visually impaired?" Lilith inquired, "Lilith should you be seen in public while looking so ugly?" Niles retorted, which caused Frasier verbally gasped and made an _"oh snap!"_ face. "How's Maris?" Lilith asked, "She's good, better now that the fatwa has been lifted." Niles replied. "How goes the hunt?" Frasier inquired, "Oh I'm on a roll!" Niles exclaimed as he rolled around on his segway to face Frasier by the sofa, "I've already caught three Sudowoodos!" "You really need three of them?" Frasier questioned, "Their CP was over 900 Frasier, I simply couldn't just let them go." Niles added. "Poppycock!" Frasier waved with his hand, while Niles rolled around in a circle. "Well if we're done courting fake virtual creatures can we please can we PLEASE get back to the issue at hand?!" Lilith demanded. Frasier and Niles' heads snapped towards Lilith with raised eyebrows, "Lilith no, this need not be public domain!" Frasier pleaded. "Well what's the matter mister and missus pop-psychologist?" Niles asked mockingly, "Our son intends to pierce his gooch!" Lilith announced taking a step towards Niles, causing him to fumble and fall over the segway upon hearing it. "My God on purpose!?" Niles inquired, to which Frasier and Lilith just nodded in unison.

Just then there was a faint pounding at the front door of the apartment, "Did you hear something?" Frasier inquired. "It kind of sounded like mice scurrying about the floor." Niles replied, "I didn't hear anything." Lilith said. "No, it's someone...it's HER!" Niles shouted in utter horror. "Her?" Frasier asked. "Maris!" Niles shouted. "Open up!" A soft voice quietly shouted sternly. Niles got to his feet and frantically ran to the door to open it, revealing an extremely pale, skinny and frail-looking blond woman, standing next to her Hispanic housemaid Marta. The skinny and frail woman, who resembled a real life female version of Mr. Burns spoke softly yet angrily, "W-where are my Johtos?" she inquired angrily. "M-Maris I was just getting to that and -" Niles explained but was cut off by his wife, "E-enough I don't pay you to have fun!" Maris chided angrily, "I pay you to get results!" she weakly screeched, clutching an I.V. Drip and a portable oxygen tank on wheels. "Missus should take a breath." Marta interjected, urging her mistress to use her oxygen mask, to which the frail heiress did slowly inhale and take deep breaths from the oxygen all the while glaring evilly at her panicked husband. As she inhaled more, her ribs became visible through the fabric of her black negligee and made her seem more akin to E.T. When he was pale and dying near the end of the movie.

Frasier raised an eyebrow and took a step forward, "Why Maris, to what do we owe the pleasure?" Maris craned her head around to face Frasier and eyeballed him from across the room, "I-I want...my...Johto...pokemon..." she said in deep fractured gasps. "Missus should be in bed." Marta proclaimed concerned, "Yes I concur, Maris you SHOULD be at home and in bed." Frasier agreed. Maris narrowed her eyes and scowled at Frasier menacingly before returning her attention to her husband, "H-how...many...?" She inquired with a bony finger outstretched to Niles. "Um...how many what?" Niles questioned. "J-johto...p-pokemon..." Maris said between gasps. "Oh of course, of course Maris dear!" Niles muttered frantically, "I-I have fifty of them!" Niles proclaimed proudly. "F-fifty...?" Maris questioned, "I-Is...that...all...?" Niles and Frasier exchanged worried glances, before Niles adjusts his collar and gulps, "Y-yes dear." He replied. Maris' eyes burned with anger, hatred and rage. She gripped the I.V. Drip and shook it angrily to the best of her ability (which was a slight wobble at best) as she gradually approached Niles and began to strike him with her frail clawed hands, but barely able to lift them. She turned to Marta and pointed to Niles, "S-strike...him...M-Marta...p-put the...fear of God...in him!" Maris angrily yet weakly shrieked in a small quiet voice. Marta obeyed and stepped forward to Niles and slapped him hard across the face, "Good...good!" Maris coughed with a weak and dry cackle. "L-let's...go!" Maris instructed her housemaid, but just as she was about to exit the apartment, she turned to her husband and said "I want...the remaining...two-hundred...pokemon...by midnight!" "By midnight!?" Niles reiterated shocked, "Or else!" Maris threatened, dragging her bony finger across her throat before leaving the apartment.

Niles quickly clamored to his segway and sped to the door, "Niles where on earth are you going man!?" Frasier hollered, "I can't talk now Frasier, I've gotta catch 'em all!" Niles shouted as he sped the segway out the front door and down the hallway and down the stairs. "You're just going to let him ride off into the night like that?" Lilith questioned, "Let him go." Frasier replied, "Maris has killed more for less than missing a few pokemon." Frasier then retrieved his smart phone and popped the pokemon go app, "Ooh a Celebi!" He shouted excitedly. "Isn't that one of the ones Niles needs?" Lilith questioned, "Oh to hell with him!" Frasier replied, "On the battlefield of pokemon go; it's every man for himself!" he declared.

(End Credits roll, shows Frasier struggling to capture a Celebi, doing really well then wasting his last great ball on it before angrily throwing his smart phone out the sliding glassdoor, off the balcony before breaking down sobbing on the floor in despair.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'  
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My  
Mercy 

And maybe I seem a bit confused  
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!  
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs  
They're callin' again." 


	2. Niles Joins A Band

Frasier 2.0 "_Niles Joins A Band_"

"**Ain't That A Kick In The Head"**

Frasier and Niles enter Cafe Nervosa dressed in their traditional squash gear (short shorts, and collared shirts with matching sweater-vests) while arguing amongst themselves whether a popular brand of tape is called "duck tape" or "duct tape".

"Well you're wrong!" Niles shouted as he and his brother each pulled out a chair and seated themselves at their usual. "Yes you're right Niles, it is an adhesive made for tethering waterfowl." Frasier droned dryly. "We'll settle this right now," Niles said snapping his fingers to attract the attention of the barista woman, who took notice and immediately walked over to their table. "Can I get you gents anything?" She asked happily. "No we have a question, is it 'duck tape' or 'duct tape'?" Niles inquired, with fingers crossed that it was the former. "Duct tape." the barista woman replied while giving him a weird look before walking away, leaving Niles to face a smug Frasier. "Very well, I've reconciled with defeat before." Niles admitted. "Oh come now, t'was merely a flesh wound!" Frasier consoled.

Just then the Cafe Nervosa door blew open and Roz stepped in dressed up in a skin-tight black latex catsuit carrying a whip and a gimp mask. She approached Frasier's table and took a seat, "Boy you would NOT believe the night I've had!" Roz said with an exhausted sigh. "If the rumors written about you on the men's urinal are true, I'll believe it." Niles retorted, earning a "death glare" from Roz. Frasier rolled up his newspaper and eyed Roz up and down, "Let me guess; you were hard at work looking for 'Marcellus Wallace's' soul?" Roz frowned at Frasier before reaching into her purse and retrieving a compact mirror, "I met this guy at a Mariner's game," Roz declared. "Does loitering about the men's room still count as a sport?" Niles inquired rudley, "Well it IS a physical activity." Frasier added, "Ah touche`!" Niles replied pointing across to Frasier. "You guys I'm trying to have a moment here!" Roz cried while fidgeting with her hair. "You're right Roz, we'll behave." Frasier assured. "Of course we'll behave...mistress." Niles added, again earning a glare from Roz. "Anyway, so I met this guy at a Mariner's game and we went out for drinks only for me to learn that he's a professional 'Dean Martin' impersonator." Roz admitted. "How did the game go?" Frasier wondered curiously, "How the hell should I know?" Roz replied, "We slipped away during intermission and had a 'game' of our own." she added. "But how did you lure him away from the game?" Frasier wondered. "I loitered outside the men's room and jumped him when he came out." Roz explained. "Gee Roz one would almost mistake that behavior as 'sexual harassment'." Niles proclaimed. "Well I'm pretty sure that the first two were taken aback by it, but the third guy was definitely him." Roz confessed, causing Frasier and Niles to exchange concerned glances. "Well," Frasier started "Ain't that a kick in the head."

"**That Was My Slave Name"**

Later that day Frasier had completed running his errands and returned home to his condominium at the Elliott-Bay Towers. He put his key into the keyhole and pushed open the door when his ears detected a sharp screeching from the hallway, causing him to look behind him. An elderly woman with stark white hair and griping a walker was directly behind Frasier and was screeching in distress. "Mrs. Magrini is there something I can do for you?" Frasier inquired annoyed. "You're father, Martin did it again he's imprisoned me in the lobby closet again!" the old woman cried, almost in hysterics. "Mrs. Magrini you are clearly NOT being held captive." Frasier pointed out curtly, while holding his bag of groceries like a baby. "He said I was a domestic terrorist!" Mrs. Magrini exclaimed, "He frisked me, pushed me into the closet and then locked it!" She added. Frasier stared at her, eyes narrowed and eyebrows furrowed into an expression that displayed obvious annoyance. "Mrs. Magrini have you been taking your daily medication?" Frasier inquired thoughtfully, "Why yes, in fact you prescribed them to me!" She replied. "Well up the dosage!" Frasier yelled as he slammed the front door in the old woman's face.

Just then Daphne rounded the corner, "ALLO DOCKTA CROYNE LUFLEE EEVEE WEAVE BEN HAPPEN!" Frasier just went over his mail while nodding in agreement with the Cockney housekeeper. "OI BEN MARCHING TANG POPE CONE CHEEK-END AN DEY BABY!" Daphne exclaimed. Frasier threw his mail on the floor, and opened a bottle of sherry. "Daphne, if you continue barking at me every time I come through the door I am going to have to insist that you speak proper English!" Frasier replied. "OI BEN SPORK DAYS POOPER ANGLICAN MUDDER FUDRUCKA!" Daphne explained, Frasier merely swallowed his glass of sherry while deadpan glaring at Daphne and tossed the glass to the floor, shattering it into a billion pieces. "Clean that up!" Frasier demanded before exiting the room into the kitchen. "OI MAY GROOT DISNEY TINKERING MALL DIE!" Daphne swore angrily.

In the kitchen Frasier ambled over to the stove to witness a burning mess of what he assumed was "traditional English cooking" boiling over. He turned the burners off, put on an oven mitt, grabbed the pot by its holder and tossed it out the sliding door, over the balcony. "God I hate English cooking." Frasier said under his breath. Just then Martin hobbled down the hall with Eddie quickly following behind, "Don't care what you've been doing I'm just getting my booze before going back to my documentary." Martin declared suspiciously. Frasier glared at his father with a raised eyebrow, "Let me guess, is it a 'bilology' documentary?" Frasier asked aloud. "Good guess!" Martin exclaimed as he opened the fridge and retrieved an entire case of beer. "OI YEW NOSHI OIL MENG!" Daphne hollered from the living-room, "YEW SPOUSE TAP DUNE ZAY FRISBEE OH!" She cried angrily while cleaning up glass and cutting herself. "Ah can it ya Cockney harpy!" Martin barked back as he hobbled with his cane and booze back down the hall. "HAY DON TANK JEW WOK FRAME MEAT FUDRUCKER OIL MENG!" Daphne screeched as she angrily followed and bled behind Martin.

Suddenly there was a knocking at the door and Frasier dropped what he was doing and went to go answer it, when he pulled back the door he was greeted by a tall pale-looking man dressed all in black, with black hair, black eye and lip makeup and a long black coat. The gothic man raised his hand and made a peace sign with his fingers, "Hey Fraze." Frasier stared at the gothic man, now revealed to be Niles up and down in disbelief. "Niles! Why? How!?" Frasier cried in shock as Niles pushed past him with an electric guitar strapped to his back, and plopped down on the sofa. "It's my new scene man!" Niles admitted. "New scene? What on earth are you on about?" Frasier demanded, "This morning I had an epiphany!" Niles declared, "I realized that I was walking the wrong path and that I was being a slave to the 'man'!" Niles added. "B-but you love capitalism!" Frasier cried, "You absolutely adore Anglo-American Authoritarian Fascism!" Frasier added. "Nah man, that was the old me!" Niles denied, "That me is DEAD!" Niles cried as he played a note on his electric guitar.

Just then Martin ambled into the living-room clasping his ears in pain, "What the hell is that claptrap?!" He cried upset. "Take a look for yourself!" Frasier decreed while gesturing to Goth Niles, who was brooding on the sofa. Martin hobbled into the living-room with his cane and eyed his younger son up and down in disbelief, "Niles is that you?" Martin inquired. "Yea daddy-o it is me." Niles replied sharply and depressed. "But what is it?" Martin questioned, "It's his new 'scene'." Frasier said mockingly. "Niles this can't be you, you don't even like black it's the reason we had BET cancelled." Martin stated. "Don't call me Niles!" Goth Niles cried, "That was my slave name, I'm now 'Elvis Depressedly'!" he added. Frasier and Martin just exchanged looks of "what the hell?"

"**A Sea Of Blackness And Teenage Body Odor"**

Later that night Frasier drove Martin and Daphne to Jeffrey's lounge; a local goth hangout in the industrial district of Seattle. "Where on earth are we Fraze?" Martin asked while eyeballing the club patrons prejudicely. "The last place on earth you'd want to be caught dead, alive, or in a coma." Frasier replied while searching for someone. "Do you see him?" Martin inquired, "No I can't see anything but a sea of blackness and teenage body odor." Frasier quipped.

Just then the lights dimmed and a spotlight illuminated the center stage. The red velvet curtains obscuring the backdrop parted revealing a tall, skinny and pale gothic man who turned to face the crowd. It was Niles or _"Elvis Depressedly"_, and he was wearing skin-tight leather pants, combat boots, tons of earrings and studs in his ears and lips, and black mascara that was already running down his cheeks from his eyelids. He also wore a hot pink feather boa and wore black acrylic nails, and stuck his tongue out exposing a jet black tongue ring. He swung his electric guitar around to his front and strummed a chord, "Allo everyone are you ready for a show tonight?" Niles cried into his microphone, and the crowd of sweaty gothic club patrons shouted and cheered in unison, "Aight!" Niles cried, "We're gonna play a Seattle classic here tonight, just for you!" Niles said winking at a particular gothic-looking girl with ebony black hair with red streaks, and bloody eyeshadow, black ribbons, laces, fishnets and a miniskirt who stood in the moshpit close to the stage.

"Seen you naked in the bath, cigarette stains on your hands. Wilted flowers in a vase, I ask how are you, yea how are you?

I see the lipstick on your glass, I figure you're drunk and I start to laugh!" Niles loudly crooned into the microphone as the crowd of goth kids went wild moshing and slam dancing, "Don't ask why! Don't ask why! Don't ask why, don't ask why...SIXTEEN CANDLES DOWN THE DRAIN!" Niles ululated into the microphone much to the crowd's delight, all of whom danced like bizarre wind-up Halloween props.

Frasier who at this point was surrounded by sweaty and angsty cybergoth kids who flailed their arms about with neon blue and green glow sticks, wearing similarly-colored dreadlocked wigs and gas masks, making them resemble Mortal Kombat rejects, had had enough and marched up onto the stage and immediately yanked the microphone away from his gothic younger brother. "Niles this farce has gone on for long enough!" Frasier screamed into the microphone. "You are not a Goth, you've never invaded a foreign country, in fact you've never even led your own army!" Frasier decried, causing Niles to gasp in shock and horror, dropping his electric guitar to the stage with an audible "thud!" "Frasier you monster!" Niles proclaimed, "How could you!?" Frasier narrowed his eyes and looked back to the crowd, "She...wore...bluuuuuuuuuuuue velvet." Frasier softly crooned into the microphone, causing Niles' demeanor to shift from one of horror into one of delight. He grabbed the microphone and sang along with his brother, "Bluer than velvet was the night! Softer than satin was the light !" Meanwhile the goths and cybergoth kids screamed, shook and recoiled at the sound of traditional American music which caused many of them to burst into flames and/or to explode into dust as if exposed to a light source. "OI MAO DAS NAUTICAL JEW SEA REBA DIE!" Daphne exclaimed as she watched a trio of cybergoths explode into dust before her eyes.

"**You Never Go Full Goth"**

Later after a hot shower and a trip to the stylist Niles was back to his old self again, and sat on Frasier's sofa draped in a housecoat with a towel on his shoulders. "Frasier, I cannot thank you enough for springing me from that teenage wasteland of a hellhole!" Niles proclaimed happily. "Think nothing of it my good man!" Frasier replied, patting him on the shoulder. "I know if it were I, you would have done the same for me." He added. "Gee Frasier, what would your Goth name have been if you had become one?" Niles inquired. "Oh I don't know..." Frasier replied thoughtfully, "I suppose a meaningful juxtaposition of Freud mixed with my favorite color and alcoholic beverage." He added, "Ah 'Black Sherry'!" Niles deduced, "Has a sort of 'Marilyn Manson' ring to it." Niles commended. "Why thank you Niles." Frasier said, turning and smiling at his Marilyn Manson poster that hanged on the wall opposite of a poster of Sigmund Freud. "Oh speaking of which, I'll need to head down to the courthouse first thing in the morrow." Niles declared. "The courthouse, why?" Frasier wondered. "Well when I went Goth, I went 'Full Goth'." Niles explained. "You mean to say you legally changed your name to 'Elvis Depressedly'?" Frasier asked. "'Full Goth', Frasier." Niles replied, "You never go 'Full Goth' Niles." Frasier retorted. "Well Freddie went through a similar phase not long ago too..." Niles piped up. "Yes and a year's worth of beatings and re-education nipped that right in the bud." Frasier replied pouring himself a glass of sherry. "Ah touche`!" Niles resonated in defeat.

"You know Niles I'm surprised you performed a 'Sponge' song, I always took you for more of a 'The Cure' man myself." Frasier acknowledged. "Oh no Frasier I couldn't have done that," Niles replied. "The Goth Mafia has the monopoly on the Cure covers and since I'm not a member, they would've been furious!" He explained. "The 'Goth Mafia'?" Frasier replied doubtfully. "Oh yes, they've practically cornered the edgelord and despair market." Niles stated. "Oh yes, wherever is a 'Hot Topic' when we need one?" Frasier bemoaned sarcastically. "Well it's true nonetheless and we should seriously watch our peripherals whenever we are about in public." Niles suggested cautiously. "Oh pish-posh Niles, you old dramaqueen!" Frasier blurted. "No it's true Frasier!" Niles insisted, "They're the only ones who actually make Maris think twice about stepping out into public in all black." Frasier rolled his eyes and said with a smirk, "I doubt they'd even notice her to be honest," he said taking a swig of his sherry, "she'd probably get swept away by a gust of wind or fall down a sewer drain never to be seen or heard from again." Niles sighed to himself, "We can only hope." "Hope?" Frasier reiterated, "I mean..." Niles hesitated. Frasier narrowed his eyes but quickly laughed and joined his brother in a fist bump before getting up retiring to his bedroom for the night, leaving Niles to dart around the room looking for hidden cameras and peering out the window for snipers before crawling under the blanket on the living-room sofa and attempting to sleep.

(End Credits roll, shows Roz still dressed up in a skin-tight black catsuit in a darkened sex dungeon whipping someone off-camera with a long bull whip, while making hissing noises and mewing like a cat. Eventually she gets tired and drops the whip, puts on the gimp mask, unzips the mouth and chases after the victim off-camera.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'  
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My  
Mercy 

And maybe I seem a bit confused  
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!  
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs  
They're callin' again."


	3. Insomnia In Seattle

Frasier 3.0: "_Insomnia in Seattle_"

"**Down With The Proletariat"**

Frasier worked the late shift at KACL studio, stuck in his recording booth with Roz overseeing the production from the adjoining booth. Roz's eyes began slamming shut as her head bobbed backward and forward while Frasier droned on and on into the microphone, spouting some pro-communist and pro-Putin propaganda from his little red "people's manifesto."

"And that ladies and gentlemen of the people's republic of America, is why we must continue the good fight against the establishment, and break borders between our bourgeois and proletariat cousins!" Frasier rambled into the microphone with a passion of a thousand suns.

Just then the red light buzzed jolting Roz awake who immediately cut into Frasier's feed, "I'm sorry Doctor Crane but we're out of time." Roz spoke elegantly into the microphone. "Ah of course, and as always Seattle; buy my products!" Frasier concluded before shutting off his microphone and taking his set off of his head. Frasier turned his head to look at Roz through the producer's window, giving her a thumb's up replete with a face resonant of smug self-accomplishment. Roz scowled at Frasier before shutting off the the light to the "on-air" sign. "Well Roslyn, another successful night of broadcasting!" Frasier gleefully announced as Roz grabbed her purse and coat and glared at him, "I was supposed to be at home hours ago!" She hissed, "And don't call me 'Roslyn'!" she yelled. "I'm sorry Roz I thought we were on a roll?" Frasier apologized smugly. "Well if it weren't for you upsetting Kate, we wouldn't be stuck on the graveyard shift!" Roz complained, "I've had to leave little Alice alone with the xbox and Call of Duty to keep her company." She added. "Roz, you're not worried about all of that simulated video game violence?" Frasier inquired. "Nah, she's a great shot with an assault rifle." Roz replied, "It's the whiny, fedora-wearing, circlejerk of neckbeards that I'm worried about." she continued. "Well if it's any consolation I was once an ace at boggle back in my day." Frazier admitted. "I'll keep that in mind when I hire a nanny." Roz replied sarcastically.

"**Mister Genius"**

Frasier and Niles argued as they exited the elevator and into the hallway of the Elliott-Towers condominium, Frasier retrieved his keys and unlocked the door and pushed his way into the condo. "Niles why on earth do you insist on buying those mass-produced, preservative-loaded, pure sugar diabetes drinks?" Frasier groaned as he threw his blazer onto the sofa near Mr. Bottomsley, and marched over to his wine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of sherry. "Oh none for me!" Niles quipped as he reached into his coat and pulled out an XL size can of "Monster Energy Drink". "Ah yes of course, your go to 'energy' supplement." Frasier snarked as he poured a glass of sherry for himself and angrily slammed the bottle down on the table. "Frasier, I swear this drink is literally, LITERALLY the second-coming!" Niles cried in ecstasy. "Poppycock!" Frasier refuted, "There is absolutely no way that some artificial, man-made, green sludge drink is anything other than toxic!" Frasier argued. "It's wonderful!" Niles moaned as he poured more of the sugary beverage down his throat. "The more of that crap you drink, the more your hair and eyelashes will fall out!" Frasier pointed out.

Just then Daphne came in from the kitchen garbed in a burlap work dress, wearing yellow rubber dish gloves and goggles. "ALLO DOCKTA CROYNE ANNE DOCKTA CROYNE!" She greeted, "US JEW GONG TOOTH DAY BROOCH DISNEY HALF JUNE?" she inquired. Niles and Frasier just stared at Daphne with raised eyebrows, wondering to themselves what the hell she was babbling on about. "OI GOAT JEW EGG SPAETZEL BRAD BUSH!" the cockney housemaid exclaimed. "Daphne, go away." Frasier groaned annoyed. The limey psychic shrugged before meandering off into the hallway, and out of sight.

Niles and Frasier sat opposite of each other on the living-room sofa, while Mr. Bottomsley hopped down and scampered out of sight. "Niles, I insist that you end thus buffoonery at once!" Frasier demanded. "Oh pshaw Frasier," Niles replied, "It's harmless fun!" he added. "Yes, yes 'harmless fun'!" Frasier retorted, "That's what they said about the sixties and now we have 'flower power', 'peace and love' and 'girl power'!" Frasier ranted. Immediately Niles' cell phone went off playing the theme to Different Strokes, he reached into his coat pocket and retrieved his pink flip-phone and answered it. "Hello Maris my dear!" Niles exclaimed, causing Frasier to scowl with an eye roll. "You need what now?" Niles questioned, "You need how many? By when?" Niles asked, while Frasier sat glaring at him. "Oh okay honey, alright dear I'll have them all by ten!" Niles assured, "Okay bye bye." He said hanging up the phone. "What does her highness require of you this time?" Frasier inquired sarcastically. "Oh nothing much, just a couple of South American cockatoo eggs." Niles explained, "Why on earth does she need those for?" Frasier questioned. "Well it'll be time for breakfast in twelve hours" Niles said looking at his wristwatch, "And she's feeling like something exotic for the occasion." He added. "Oh I see..." Frasier muttered.

Suddenly there was a loud scream, followed by Eddie scurrying out from the hallyway into the living-room. Niles and Frasier exchanged worried looks before rising from there seats on the sofa and watched as Martin hobbled out from the hallway into the living-room. "That damn dog!" Martin screeched. "Dad what's the matter?" Frasier inquired. "Well for your information 'Mister Genius', the dog bit me!" Martin exclaimed. "Well that does it, we'll have to euthanize!" Frasier declared. "Where did he bite you dad?" Niles inquired. "Well...He uh..." Martin hesitated, "I was watching one of my documentaries..." Martin explained. "Ah yes...'those' documentaries." Frasier and Niles said in unison. "Well you know how I'm fond of the travel channel!" Martin cried, "Anyway I may have gotten to warm laying in bed like I was so I may have taken off a few layers of clothes...and he may have mistaken my sausage for a 'SAUSAGE'!" Martin explained. "WHAT?!" Frasier and Niles both exclaimed shocked, "Shhh!" Martin shushed with his hands, "Keep it down will ya, I don't need Mary Poppins in there overhearing!" Martin cried.

Just then Daphne came waltzing into the living-room carrying a bucket full of water and a scrub brush, "OI JEW GANJA ALPS MEAT CLAM UBER DAM TOYS LID?!" she inquired, brushing hair from out of her face. "Anyway I must be going, Maris simply must have her rare exotic bird eggs for breakfast otherwise she will be so disappointed!" Niles exclaimed before hurrying out the front door, "Uh yea and I need to take Eddie down to the vet to be euthanized!" Martin shrieked as he grabbed Eddie's leash and lured him out of the apartment. "Oh yes and I must be going off to my office at KACL...I misplaced my...my medicinal marijuana!" Frasier cried as he hurried out the door after his dad and brother.

"**Best Served Cold"**

Later that night Frasier accompanied Niles on an all-night shopping trip all across Seattle; visiting many historic fish markets, delicatessens, bakeries and import stores in order to allocate a set of exotic cockatoo eggs.

"Niles, I must admit this little late-night excursion has me feeling fifteen again!" Frasier admitted with a laugh. "Just don't let the cops overhear you saying that!" Niles replied, looking over his shoulder and around the corners. "N-Niles we have what Maris wanted yes?" Frasier inquired. "Oh yes, she will be absolutely overjoyed once I return home with all four of these extremely rare, exotic, prized South American Cockatoo eggs!" Niles proclaimed happily while jiggling his grocery bag.

Just then Niles' cell phone buzzed and he quickly flipped the flip-phone open to answer it, "Hello? Ah yes Maris my dear we were just talking about..." He greeted before stopping midway, "You what?" He asked, dropping the bag of extremely rare and exotic bird eggs. "Y-you're not hungry anymore...like at all?" He asked, "Maybe you eat them later as a snack?" Niles wondered. "I see...y-you're not hungry at all, ever again, period." He added, Frasier glaring at the bag of now smashed cockatoo eggs and back to his brother. "Okay darling, of course, yes, goodbye." Niles said before flipping shut the flip-phone.

Frasier slowly approached his now distraught looking brother and opened his arms up for a quick public embrace. "Niles, what's wrong?" Frasier asked. "She doesn't want the eggs." Niles replied. "At all?" Frasier inquired. "Ever again, period!" Niles added, and kicked the bag of smashed eggs angrily. "That Maris sent you on a wild goose chase...and for NOTHING!" Frasier announced angrily. "My god, you're right!" Niles gasped. "She has wasted forty-eight hours of my life that I will NEVER get back!" Niles shouted angrily. "What are you going to do about it Niles?" Frasier wondered, "I know what I'm going to do about it!" Niles said reaching into his trouser pocket and retrieving a .38 handgun before cocking the chamber. "Now Niles, we all know revenge is a delicacy best served cold!" Frasier said dryly and coldly as he winked and raised and eyebrow at Niles, who did the same in turn. "But it's been many many hours and now I'm hopped up on Monster Energy Drink!" Frasier panicked, "What am I going to do?" he cried worriedly. "Let's go to the Space Needle!" Niles declared excitedly, "Okay but then what?!" Frasier asked. "I don't know, we'll make something up!" Niles replied as the two fully grown men ran off skipping through the streets at night to see who gets to the Space Needle first.

"**Festoon Of Fools"**

Later that night Frasier sat dead asleep in his broadcasting studio, Roz also in a deep sleep from her producer's seat. The line buzzed with chatter from one of the late-night callers, "Hello Doctor Crane?" the frantic caller demanded, "Doctor Crane I'm going to do it I swear!" the frantic caller exclaimed, "Don't try and talk me down!" the frantic caller pleaded before there was radio silence for a full minute before a loud gunshot resonated on the airwaves.

The lines buzzed and the call board lit-up with more calls phoning in, then suddenly station manager Kate Costas hurried down the hall and approached Frasier's booth. She pressed her face against the glass and glared at Frasier and Roz who were both dead asleep. Kate slammed her fists on the glass window before ripping open the studio door and letting herself in, "WAKE UP YOU FESTOON OF FOOLS!" Kate shouted at full volume, "HELLO THE LIGHT IS ON, YOU'RE LIVE!" She screamed at the sleeping duo, both of whom immediately jolted awake. "Oh-oh Kate, we were just conducting a study on...on insomniacs!" Frasier lied. Roz sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, "Where the hell am I?" She questioned. "At the studio, where you're supposed to be WORKING!" Kate screeched before turning and slamming shut the door. "Gee, what's her problem?" Frasier wondered glancing at Roz who was again fast asleep. "Good idea Roz." Frasier commended as he switched off his headset, crawled onto the studio desktop and curled into a ball to sleep.

(End Credits roll, shows Martin and the Veterinarian attempting to lure Eddie into the euthenasia clinic by presenting a squeaky toy and a rawhide chew toy to him, but he runs away causing Martin and the vet to chase after him across Seattle traffic.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'  
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My  
Mercy 

And maybe I seem a bit confused  
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!  
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs  
They're callin' again."


	4. Wrecks Ed

Frasier 4.0: "_Wrecks Ed_"

"**Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar"**

Frasier was finishing up his closing spiel while Roz motioned with her hands for him to "hurry it up", which he obviously ignored in lieu of doling out more useless wisdom to the Seattle masses;

"And that Seattle, is why I choose Jif!" Frasier declared as he unscrewed a jar of Jif Peanut butter and began enthusiastically eating it over the air. "PHECUBS JEWSY MONGS JEWS PIFF!" Frasier bellowed into his microphone, mouth full of peanut butter.

Frasier shut off the mic and looked over to Roz, "How was that?" he inquired, "Do you think they'll be choosing Jif?" Roz folded her arms and pointed to the clock, "They won't be choosing it on account of you." She pointed out. "W-What why not!?" Frasier panicked looking at the clock on the wall and his own wristwatch, "Because you were going overtime, I had to cut you off five minutes ago!" Roz explained. "D'oh phooey Roz!" Frasier moaned, ripping the headset from his cranium, and tossing it onto the desktop before grabbing an entire handful of Jif peanut butter and cramming it into his mouth.

Just then station manager Kate Costas approached the recording studio and pried open the door before stepping in, "Frasier, Roz you did wonderful tonight." Kate declared. "Thank you Kate." Roz replied, "SPANK CUE HATE!" Frasier also said with a mouthful of peanut butter. "Frasier I would have preferred you to have pitched the Jif ad a little earlier..." Kate admitted, "HEEL COW FUCH PEARLER?" Frasier questioned, sounding reminiscent of his Cockney housemaid. "Like five minutes before cut off." Kate responded looking down at her Armani wristwatch. "Oh Roz!" Frasier complained, "You could have at least warned me!" he added. "Uh Frasier I did warn you." Roz retaliated. "Really, when?" Frasier demanded, "When I said 'Frasier you're off in five'." Roz replied. "Oh..." Frasier said embarrassed.

"As much as I enjoy watching the two of you one up each other I have places to go," Kate stated. "But Frasier I wanted to know if you were interested in attending a live showing of 'To Wong Foo' with me tonight?" Kate asked. "To Wong Foo, that sounds like something I should be familiar with." Frasier said to himself, "It sounds foreign and sexy and exotic..." "It's a movie about drag queens on the lamb." Roz interrupted. "Oh!" Frasier replied with surprise. "Well actually Kate, you know how I love the theater but I really must attend to my British Short-hair 'Mister Bottomsley', he is very demanding of his daddy's time." Frasier admitted. "Well alright Frasier, but I think you're missing out." Kate said with a click of her tongue. "Actually Kate I never pictured you the type of woman who liked..." Frasier hesitated. "That I liked...?" Kated reiterated, "That you like comedies." Frasier blurted nervously. "Like them? Oh I love them!" Kate responded happily, "And To Wong Foo is like the Queen of 90's comedy cinema." Kate declared. "Really, I had no idea you held such a high opinion of slapstick genderbent filmography." Frasier noted. "To Wong Foo; Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar," Kate said. "Now if she can like it, then I can like it." Kate added before stepping out of the recording studio. "I don't think that means what she thinks it means." Roz said dryly.

"**Snooty Cheese Eatery"**

Meanwhile Martin sat on his lazy boy watching one of his many "documentaries", while Eddie slept on the sofa. Martin rifled through a bag of Doritos and popped open a 3 liter of Mountain Dew and took a huge chug straight from the bottle. The "documentary", focusing on certain 1970's White males cruising public bathrooms for Black females, in a New York subway. "Now we're getting good!" Martin exclaimed happily while fumbling to undo his belt buckle, just as the front door swung open and in stepped Frasier. "Damn it!" Martin cursed under his breath as he draped a blanket over his lap and quickly changed the channel to the Home Shopping Network. "Hi dad." Frasier said as he looked through the mail and placed his coat up on the coat rack by the door. "Hi Fraze, how was your day?" Martin inquired. "Oh you know how it is; another day another crazy person to cure." Frasier explained.

Frasier glared at Eddie who didn't move an inch from his spot on the sofa, and attempted to "scoot" him aside, using a rolled up newspaper as a push pole. "Eddie please move." Frasier asked impatiently. "That's his favorite spot Fraze, he loves it there." Martin pointed out. "Well it also happens to be Mister Bottomsley's favorite spot as well." Frasier declared, "Speaking of which where IS Mister Bottomsley?" Frasier inquired. "He took off like a bat out of hell when Eddie came in." Martin explained. "Dad that's terrible and you're acting like it's funny?!" Frasier chastised. "Yea it kind of was actually." Martin replied.

Daphne trudged out of her room carrying Mr. Bottomsley on both hands and began to complain to Frasier in her usual unintelligible Cockney dialect; "OI WHEY JEW KOOP END KATE MONKEY WOMB EH!?" she yelled angrily. "Ah thank you Daphne!" Frasier cried as he happily took Mr. Bottomsly from the irate housemaid. "AISLE HALF MEW GNOME MAI ALOE JERK TOES KATES!" Daphne ranted as she trotted off to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Frasier sat down on the couch opposite Eddie and began stroking Mr. Bottomsley's fur gently while acting like an entitled parent. "Yes you're a good boy Mister Bottomsley, yes you are!" Frasier cooed, causing Martin to scowl and roll his eyes in disgust. "So uh, Fraze got any plans for tonight?" Martin inquired. "Well after being on the wait list forever, Niles and I managed to get reservations to an extremely bourgeois and overpriced French restaurant '_Le Puque'_." Frasier announced. "Oh well hopefully you haven't been waiting too long." Martin replied. "We've only been waiting for twenty years." Frasier replied casually. "Twenty years?!" Martin replied shocked, "You could have gotten in and out of Club Thirty-three in Disneyland in the time it took to get those reservations!" He cried. "Ah but do they serve _'moufette du sauce au sang le fromage'_?" Frasier asked sarcastically. "I don't know what that is but if you like it, then I'm sure it's gross." Martin replied assuredly. Frasier waved away his father's comment before getting up and pouring himself a glass of sherry from the wine cabinet.

Martin rose from his seat gripping his cane and hobbled past Frasier, "Well have fun at your _'snooty'_ cheese eatery." Martin said rudely, "I'm going to turn in for the night and enjoy a nature documentary." he continued, "come on Eddie!" he shouted, causing the little dog to instantly jump off the sofa and follow his master down the hall into his bedroom. "Yes, do enjoy your 'documentary'." Frasier said dryly, narrowing his eyes.

Just then the doorbell rang twice, and Frasier placed his glass of sherry on the table and walked over to the door and opened, it revealing Niles standing in the doorway; "Frasier." Niles announced, "Niles." Frasier replied. "Are we ready to take our taste buds to Xanadu?" Niles asked with excited fervor. Niles shut the door behind him as he followed Frasier into the living/dining area and joined him at the table; "Share a bottle of sherry for the road?" Frasier offered, presenting the bottle before his brother. "Of course my good man, an occasion such as this requires the upmost merriment and glee!" Niles replied. Niles pulled out a chair as his brother poured him a glass of sherry, "Oh Frasier I just had a thought!" he blurted out. "Go on then Niles, let's hear it." Frasier replied. "What if we went to restaurant dressed in STYLE?" Niles supposed, causing Frasier to squint his eyes and strum his chin in deep concentration. "Are you suggesting we arrive dressed up as our favorite characters?" Frasier wondered, to which Niles nodded excitedly and rapidly.

The doorbell rang a series of three consecutive rings each causing Frasier and Niles to pause and stare at each other in confusion; "Niles you didn't mention bringing anyone with you." Niles looked over at the door and then back to his brother, "That's because I didn't!" Niles admitted, "My dear Maris tired herself out screaming at the help and will be on bed rest for the better half of the week." He explained. "Well who on God's green earth could it possibly be?" Frasier demanded as he stomped toward the door, gripped the knob and swung it open.

On the other end of the door stood Kate Costas, the station manager of KACL along with Roz Doyle, Bill "Bulldog" Briscoe, Gil Chesterton, Noel Shempsky, as well as the rest of the KACL staff. Frasier's eyes widened as he glared at the workplace mob standing before him; "W-why Kate, what brings you here?" Frasier asked nervously. "You did!" Kate replied, pushing past Frasier with the mob following her into the condominium. "B-but what's the meaning of this?" Frasier asked confused. "Do you remember that big pokemon fad from a week ago?" Kate interrogated. "M-maybe, possibly, could you elaborate?" Frasier pleaded. "One of our employees was leaving the station when some moron on a segway ran him over, knocking him down fifty flights of stairs and landing him in the ICU." Kate explained, causing Niles to drop down to the floor and discretely roll away down the hall. "Oh my god so that's what happened to Kenny?!" Frasier gasped. "No Kenny's fine, he was fired for eating too much." Kate added, "Ed McGuirk is in a coma at Virginia Mason, and frankly the station can't afford his medical fees or impending lawsuit once he recovers." Kate added, "IF he recovers." Bulldog Briscoe interjected optimistically.

Frasier just looked on at Kate and the crowd with a stunned and shocked look, "That's terrible, but..." Frasier started, "BUT our insurance providers assured us that they would cover us so long as the ENTIRE station took a distracted driving seminar." Kate interrupted. Frasier stumbled and slouched on the sofa trying to regain his composure as the mob encircled him, "And you're all here because..." Frasier asked. "We're here because we have exactly twenty-four hours to take and complete this course before the insurers revoke our coverage, we file for bankruptcy and all of us are out of a job!" Kate explained. "Oh...ah I-I see..." Frasier muttered, his eyes welling up with tears. "We could have done this at the station but somebody is living in the eighties and doesn't own a personal mobile phone!" Kate nagged at Frasier. "Even I own one!" Gil Chesterton exclaimed, "It's hot pink and plays 'raining men' for some reason whenever it rings...isn't that weird?" "Yea, really weird." Roz said eyeballing Gil up and down.

"**I'll have a steak"**

Somehow Niles and Martin managed to sneak out of the apartment without either Frasier or the angry KACL mob noticing them, and Niles managed to convince Martin to attend dinner with him at the fancy French _Le Puque_ restaurant; "I still can't believe I let you talk me into coming to this place." Martin groaned while searching the menu. "I know isn't it fabulous?" Niles chittered excitedly. "I would have felt way more comfortable at someplace like the _'Timber Mill'_." Martin confessed. "Ah yes, where you can pick your own steak straight from the wagon!" Niles patronized. "That's right!" Martin cried, "And I'll have you know those steaks are all prime American-grown!" he declared. "Alright, alright let's just calm down and enjoy the evening shall we?" Niles suggested. "I don't know Niles, I can't event pronounce half the names on this thing." Martin replied.

Just then a very tall, very pale, very thin and extremely snooty-looking French man goose stepped over to Niles' table, with his extremely pointy noise sticking directly up in the air and notepad in hand inquired about the gents' orders; "And what is sir having for dîner this evening?" Niles looked down at the menu, "I will have the Renard au jus du mort." Niles answered confidently. "Magnifique!" The waiter croaked happily before turning his attention to Martin, "And for you sir?" he slithered with a French forked-tongue. "Uhhh...do ya got any burgers?" Martin inquired, staring down at the menu. "Excuse moi?" questioned the waiter, "Ve do not serve 'amburger at zis establishment!" he cried angrily. "Ah okay, I'll have a steak then." Martin replied. "Oui oui, un filet mignon." the stuffy waiter recited before putting away his notepad, and slithering away into the shadows, meanwhile Niles glared at his father who was feasting away on the basket of french bread totally oblivious.

"**A Pompous Snorlax"**

An hour or so later, Frasier had managed to rearrange his entire living/dining-rooms into a giant classroom. Roz sat on the sofa in-between Bulldog Briscoe and Noel Shempsky, while Gil Chesterton, and Kate Costas sat at the dining table. The remaining KACL staff sat on the floor around the apartment; "So where is our mystery tutor?" Frasier chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. "Her name is Julia Wilcox, and she is a former sexual harassment lecturer." Kate replied, obviously annoyed. "Gee Kate, you seem...stressed?" Frasier noted. "It's nine forty-five, and I'm already missing the opening narration of To Wong Foo." Kate muttered angrily. Just then there was a brisk pounding at the door, "That's probably her." Frasier announced, getting to his feet. "You just stay put Romeo, the last thing a harassment coordinator needs to deal with is a pompous Snorlax." Kate rebuked as she stood up and briskly walked over to the entryway.

Kate reached for the doorknob, turned and pulled back the door revealing a "smartly dressed" blond haired woman with a medium-length haircut in a business pantsuit. The woman adjusted her hair in a small compact before closing and putting it in her clutch, "Kate!" She happily squealed, "Julia!" Kate cried equally as happy. "I had absolutely NO IDEA you would be among the slobs I had to lecture to tonight!" Julia confessed. "Well actually I'm technically not part of the class," Kate admitted. "I'm really just here as an overseer." "Well you sure oversaw this crowd." Julia said as she stepped into the apartment, glaring at all of the KACL staff in disgust and swallowing back bile and turned facing Kate, "My god!" she said sucking in air through her teeth, "There's room for everybody, let's just say that." she added, to which Kate merely nodded ashamedly in response.

Julia then faced the KACL crowd, reached into her purse and retrieved a silver whistle, "Okay you scum, whenever I blow this whistle it means shut up, drop what you're doing, and pay attention to me! Got it?" She screamed at the class. A nervous woman shakily raised her hand in the air, "What is it!?" Julia screeched. "D-does that apply to e-everything...?" the nervous girl asked, obviously afraid. Julia let out an extremely loud and arrogant sigh before rolling her eyes, "DUH!" she shouted at full volume. "I don't care if you're picking your nose, breastfeeding, performing open-heart surgery!" she bellowed angrily, "When you butthole surfers hear this goddamn whistle you drop EVERYTHING and listen!" Julia screamed, her face now as red as a tomato.

An hour later of lecturing, Julia and Kate stood by the fireplace whispering and gossiping while the KACL staff spread out across the living-room, each person working on their essays. Frasier sank into his chair with a scowl carved into his face, now realizing that it was his brother Niles' obession with pokemon go that caused this entire mess to happen in the first place; (_"This is all Niles' fault!"_) Frasier thought to himself, (_"I'll KILL him!"_) he screamed internally, then he had a change of heart; (_"Actually I can't bring myself to kill my brother, what would I say to dad? But I can kill Maris, and in fact it was her fault he got addicted to that damn game!"_) Frasier thought angrily to himself, a smug smirk of accomplishment gradually forming across his face, _("Yes I can kill Maris, I'll be regaled as a hero and be celebrated the world over!")_ he internalized. "Crane!" Julia screamed from across the room, causing Frasier to snap out of it, "Stop posturing and write your goddamn essay!" Frasier nervously turned in his seat and began writing the fifty word essay on "why It's bad to drive about the city while visually impaired and/or distracted".

Then the door to Daphne's room creaked open and the Cockney housemaid meandered out into the hallway, and into the dining/living-room area; "OI MOTTS DEAFS BEES POLES GROOM BEN HAM FAIR?!" Daphne shouted confused and angry, her face obscured by a lime-green face mask composed of guacamole and cucumbers covering her eyes. The KACL staff all shrieked and screamed in unionized terror and fled the condominium, forsakening their assignments and abandoning their instructor and supervisor in the process. Julia glared at the limey woman in shock then turned to Kate, "It's been fun but this is too much!" before darting out the door. Kate angrily turned to Frasier and glared at him, "My essay's finished!" Frasier announced nervously, to Kate's chagrin. "And so is our coverage!" Kate howled as she grabbed her coat off of the couch and approached the door before stopping and turning, "And don't bother coming into work tomorrow, you either Doyle!" "Oh are we getting the day off?" Frasier inquired happily. "Yea, permanently!" Kate hollered back before leaving and slamming shut the door.

The room was silent for a minute, before Bulldog Briscoe stood up from the sofa and approached Daphne; "So you like short, toxic bald guys?" Daphne just glared at him as a cucumber fell out of her eye and into her open mouth. "OI GOOSE DISNEY BORED MUNG TOQUE PARKOUR?!" Daphne growled annoyed. "Oh just take him to your room and shut up already!" Frasier groaned. Daphne stormed off down the hall, with Bulldog following in close pursuit. Just then Gil Chesterton entered from the hallway wearing Frasier's housecoat, and attempting to conceal several pockets bursting with stolen men's boxer shorts. "Well I hate to be a buzz killington but I simply must get home to my Deb!" Gil announced, "Toodles!" He cried before attempting to flee from the apartment, "Hold it!" Frasier yelled, causing Gil to freeze in place. "Drop my ten-thousand thread count Egyptian cotton bath robe!" Frasier demanded, to which Gil complied and then tried opening the door, only for Frasier to slam it shut and hold it in place. "And the Malaysian silk boxer shorts." he added, which Gil reluctantly removed from his bursting pockets. "Now give me your wallet!" Frasier hissed dryly, which made Gil glare at him wide-eyed and in shock. "Your wallet, or I call the cops!" Frasier threatened. forcing Gil to reach into his European Men's carry-all, retrieve his wallet and toss it at Frasier before storming off upset, his high heels clacking on the lacquered floor.

Frasier shut and locked the door before turning to face Roz, triumphantly waving the wallet before Roz's face; "I got some free money!" Frasier announced happily. "Yea well you're gonna need it!" Roz ranted, grabbing her coat and purse. "Roz what's wrong?" Frasier questioned. "You lost us our jobs Frasier!" Roz proclaimed, "You got us fired!" She added. "That's impossible, none of this was my doing!" Frasier defended. "Well tell that to Kate Costas, because as she's concerned it's your fault!" Roz cried. "Roz, please have some wine, stay the night!" Frasier pleaded desperately. "Frasier, I gotta go." Roz stated before opening the door, stepping out and shutting it.

Frasier takes the bottle of sherry, walks over and plops down on the couch while drinking straight from the bottle. Mr. Bottomsley comes slinking in from the hallway and pounces onto Frasier, lighting his face up as he surfs the various channels on his forty inch flatscreen TV for a "documentary" to watch.

(End Credits roll, shows a half-naked Bulldog groping Daphne as she tries making breakfast in the kitchen. She reaches for a spatula and smacks him across the head with it, which only causes him to act even more aggressively. Daphne then pulls out a butcher knife and motions for him to remove his underwear, which he does and forces him out on the balcony and shuts and locks the sliding glass door before retiring to her room with a cup of tea, leaving a naked Bulldog Briscoe to attempt to scurry down the side of the building via a rain gutter)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'  
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My  
Mercy 

And maybe I seem a bit confused  
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!  
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs  
They're callin' again."


	5. How I Spent My Unemployment

Frasier 5.0: "_How I Spent My Unemployment_"

"**How Low We've Fallen"**

Due being recently unemployed because of his brother's obsession with trending fad "_Pokemon Go_", and inability to maneuver a segway scooter while playing. Frasier Crane sat on his sofa couch wearing matching gray sweatpants and sweatshirt each adorned with various cheeto, pizza, and grease stains.

Frasier shifted himself on the couch so that his now rotund belly was in the air, and struggled to retrieve a "little Debbie" from out of the pile of various junk food boxes scattered about the coffee table, like a votive shrine to the junk food industry.

Just then the Crane family caretaker and part-time housemaid Daphne Moon scampered out of her bedroom and down the hall, she froze in place when she caught sight of Frasier laying inert on the sofa like a beached whale, placing a potato chip into his mouth; "Ah Daphne I'm glad you're here!" Frasier exclaimed, "Would you mind handing me a few of those twinkies, I can't seem to reach them!" he added. Daphne shook her head and crossed her arms, "My Doctor Crane, how low we've fallen." She proclaimed with a tisk. Frasier's eyes bulged and he immediately rose up from the sofa, "I understood that!" He cried happily, much to Daphne's confusion. "Dad, dad get in here at once!" Frasier yelled, causing Martin to hobble out of his bedroom with Eddie tailing behind, "What is it, where's the fire?" Martin cried confusedly. "Dad, I can understand Daphne!" Frasier replied happily, "It's not like I've been speaking German the entire time!" Daphne rebuked. "You understood that?" Frasier asked, "I did!" Martin replied with glee. "Oh you're all bollocks!" Daphne grumbled before storming off back to her bedroom, "I don't know what bollocks are but I understood that too!" Martin added. "This is fantastic!" Frasier exclaimed, "It seems our Anglophobic ears have finally acclimated to Daphne's Cockney brogue!" he added. "Or these discreet audio translators really work!" Martin declared, pulling what looked like a hearing aide from his left ear. "Dad where did you get that?" Frasier inquired, "The Home Shopping Network." Martin replied as he casually walked over to and sat in his tattered brown/yellow/green chair. "Where on earth did you get the money for that?!" Frasier demanded, "You have your secrets, and I have mine." Martin replied almost smugly. "I see..." Frasier replied with narrowed eyes and a raised eyebrow. "I will get to the bottom of this, I assure you I will!" Frasier promised before Martin shushed him, "Be quiet Little House on the Prairie is coming on!"

"**Elementary"**

Later Frasier met with Niles at the outdoor patio, in front of Cafe Nervosa. Niles had hurried over to meet Frasier, having been called away from a Squash game and as a result was still fully geared up in his squash attire;

"Frasier I came as soon as I got your message!" Niles exclaimed, out of breath. "What's the emergency?" He added. "It's dad." Frasier said deadpan while stirring his coffee, "Oh my dear god...it's finally happened hasn't it?!" Niles screamed as he dropped to his knees and pulled at his hair. "WHY? WHY GOD WHY!?" He screamed angrily at the sky. "No Niles, he's not dead!" Frasier snapped dryly. "Oh good, that's good." Niles replied, quickly getting to his feet; dusting himself off and sitting across from his brother. "And might I add you would be a shoe-in for most over the top performance in a drama." Frasier added. "Well I was overwhelmed with emotion," Niles explained, "I was simply bubbling over." "I just bet..." Frasier retorted eyeballing Niles through narrowed suspicious eyes. "Well then what Is this big emergency that you got me out of my game for?!" Niles questioned. "Okay brace yourself." Frasier said leaning over the table, "Consider me thoroughly braced." Niles responded enthused. "Dad, has a secret." Frasier declared with a smug "knowing" look on his face. "Dad doesn't have any secrets," Niles denied, "We've thoroughly examined his belongings and storage facilities up and down and we've discovered everything there was to know!" Niles added. "Yes but this is a REAL secret!" Frasier said nonchalantly with a smirk and a wink. "Come again?" Niles asked, "What exactly IS this secret?!" Niles demanded impatiently. "Dad has a source of income." Frasier blurted, making Niles' expression change to an unimpressed deadpan one, "Frasier, Dad is a retired policeman he has pension!" Niles exclaimed. "No no, it's definitely NOT that." Frasier insisted. "Well how do you know?!" Niles inquired. "He bought an expensive language-based vocal translator." Frasier explained. Niles gasped, "Those tiny things that look like hearing aides?" Frasier just nodded slowly, "He bought them from the Home Shopping Channel." Frasier added. "My GOD we're not a rich family!" Niles cried, "We're not the Hiltons!" he continued. "So what do you say brother Watson, shall we work together to crack this case?" Frasier asked holding his hand outstretched toward his brother, who took it and shook it enthusiastically, "Elementary my dear brother Holmes!" Niles replied, before the two of them broke their handshake and immediately reached for bottles of hand sanitizer and germ killing spray, and vigorously cleansed each other's hands.

"**Your Very Own Nigel Farage"**

Later that night Frasier sat alone at his dining table going over documents and checking notes, while Daphne watched some boring British "comedy" show. Just then the landline telephone began ringing the "Frasier themesong", which made Daphne and Frasier stare at it and then at each other, Frasier raised his eyebrows and nodded in the direction of the phone; "Oh fine!" Daphne groaned, "Not like I'm a certified physio-therapist or anything!" She complained as she trodged over to the phone and answered it. "The Crane residence, certified caretaker speaking!" Daphne bellowed into the phone. "FREDERICK!" She cried happily, immediately causing Frasier to look up from his work, "You're wondering if your dad is home?" Daphne reiterated, looking at Frasier who waved his hands, signaling "no" like a madman. "Ah I'm sorry Freddy, he's just stepped out might I take a message for you?" Daphne lied while glaring at Frasier. "Oh I see!" Daphne exclaimed, "You say it's fine and he can just send a check?" Daphne replied. "Okay Freddy, I'll let him know. Goodbye." Daphne assured while hanging the phone up. "How much does he want?" Frasier hissed dryly with a scowl, "He says he needs two hundred dollars." Daphne replied. "W-what!? Two hundred dollars!?" Frasier screamed, "Why on EARTH does he need THAT much for?" "He says he needs it for his young Republicans Club meeting, and that if he doesn't get it that all of his hopes and dreams will be crushed, and he will be forced to take a job at 'Big Lots'." Daphne explained calmly while returning to her seat on the couch. "Ah well as long as it's for a just cause!" Frasier said with a nervous laugh. "Well if you're not careful you'll have your very own 'Nigel Farage' on your hands." Daphne warned. "My god!" Frasier gasped, "That sounds disgusting, is it contagious?" he inquired. "I don't know," Daphne admitted, "but you can ask the U.K. Men's water polo team."

The next day while out running errands, Frasier bumped into his ex-station manager Kenny Daly while waiting in line at a "Five Guys" hamburger restaurant;

"Frasier, longtime no see!" Kenny exclaimed. "Ah Kenneth, so good to see you!" Frasier lied. "Hey how've you been, I heard that KACL shuttered not long ago?" Kenny asked. "Well you know Kenneth it's been tough," Frasier stated. "It's been like Oedipus when scoured the desert for the last trickle of rainwater to feed to his heatstroke stallion, before rallying the Argonauts to raid Egypt!" Frasier faux waxed-poetic. "I...don't think that happened." Kenny replied confused. "Well you know it's all theoretical anyway." Frasier replied with a laugh. "Anyway what brings you here?" Frasier asked. "Oh just dropping off my work apron and gloves." Kenny replied with a sigh. "Ah another hard day's work?" Frasier inquired with a faux punch to the shoulder. "Well it was, until I was caught drinking straight from the malt machine and got fired." Kenny admitted with a frown. "Oh gosh Kenny I'm so sorry!" Frasier apologized. "It's my anxiety Doc, I can't handle the stress!" Kenny panicked. Just then the Five Guys manager glared and yelled at Kenny; "Hey Michelin Man!" he screamed, "I thought I banned you from this establishment!" He shouted as he grabbed a broom and slid across the counter like Shaft. "See ya Frasier!" Kenny yelled as he fled, "Bye Kenny!" Frasier replied with a wave. "And keep your stay-puft ass out of here!" The irate manager shouted out the door.

That evening Niles and Frasier laid in wait by Duke's, a local cop hangout and their father's favorite bar; "Oh this is so thrilling!" Niles giggled with glee. "I know, I am positively buzzing with excitement!" Frasier replied. "I am reminded of a time when Maris and I peformed a stakeout at a local Nordstrom's, we were camped out for at least thirty-six hours!" Niles regaled. "Why on earth where you camping at a Nordstrom's for so long?" Frasier inquired. "Well Maris was convinced she had lost an earring on the escalators, at first we were just searching for that one earring, but as the hours past it became like a second honeymoon, Maris and I had fun." Niles explained. "I don't think I've ever heard 'Maris' and 'fun' in the same sentence, much the same breath before now." Frasier muttered dryly. "Well..." Niles uttered, "It was the early nineties, it was a sign of the times." "Oh yes those crazy uncertain dark ages known as the 'nineties', thank God for Super Target, for allowing me to camp out in their sports department while I hunted for big game in their frozen food aisle!" Frasier ranted annoyed. "Well Frasier," Niles started, "you certainly know how to sap the fun out of any conversation." He added. "Please, my powers of social-communicative destruction are nowhere near as potent as Lilith's." Frasier replied.

Suddenly the door to Duke's opened and Martin hobbled out on his cane, turning back to wave goodbye to his fellow barmates before stepping into a yellow taxi cab and riding off down the street. "Damn it!" Frasier cursed under his breath. "Follow that cab!" Niles shouted as Frasier put the car into drive, turned the key and sped off in the same direction as Martin's cab.

Meanwhile Daphne Moon was lounging on the sofa while indulging in a box of bon-bons. The television was turned to the British Broadcasting Channel (American Version), and was watching an episode of Doctor Who; "Oi this new woman Doctor is such a prat!" Daphne groaned as she struggled to find the remote to change channels. Just then there was a quick and rapid pounding at the door, "Bloody hell!" Daphne complained as she rose from the couch and walked over to the door, turning the knob and opening it; "Pizza delivery?" asked Kenny Daly, dressed up as a Domino's deliveryman. "Well it's about bloody time!" Daphne spat, "Do you know how long I've been waiting for that Hawaiian pie?" She added. "Uh about eighteen minutes?" Kenny guessed. "Eighteen whole bloody minutes, that may as well be a whole day in the U.K!" she complained to the unassuming deliveryman. "So uh, that'll be sixteen forty-five." Kenny finally spoke up, Daphne reached into her pocket, retrieved a $20 bill and handed it to him. "Keep the change." She said before closing shut the door. Kenny turned away from the door, "Cool I finally get to keep all the change!" he exclaimed happily before doing the math in his head, "Oh wait...three bucks!?" he groaned disappointed before meandering away.

"**I Would Turn Back If I Were You"**

Later Frasier and Niles slowly crept along the darkened streets of the Georgetown neighborhood, derelict buildings and burning homeless fires surrounding the men; "My GOD!" Frasier gasped, "This urban setting is utterly deplorable!" He added. "I believe there's spooks around here!" Niles chittered nervously. "Aha!" Frasier gloated as he found a place to park, in a shadowy dark alley. He backed the car into the completely pitch black alley before putting the car in park and shutting it off. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN!?" Niles quietly shouted. "Niles, we've been following dad for twenty-six minutes and he's led us here. Now's our opportunity to find out what he's up to, and confront him about his SECRET income!" Frasier boldly declared. "Are you still with me...brother Watson?" Frasier queried with an open hand outstretched, "Elementary brother Holmes!" Niles replied, taking and shaking his hand.

The Crane brothers stepped out of the car before slamming shut and locking the doors. Frasier took the lead, while Niles followed him closely behind leering cautiously over his shoulder, and looking behind himself for any signs of trouble. Then the two came across a sign written in blood that read; _"I would turn back if I were you!"_ Niles audibly gulped and loosened his tie, "That's some good advice. By Frasier!" Niles said before attempting to run before being grabbed and consequently slapped on the face by Frasier; "Come to your senses man!" Frasier scolded. "We've nearly unraveled this mystery to its core!" Frasier added. "Y-you're right Frasier." Niles admitted, consoling his now beet-red cheek. "Lead on!" he added.

Just then the Crane Brothers came across a street sign that read; "_XXX Street_" and the two gave each other a "_wtf_" look before heading onward across the street. Up ahead the men noted seeing a blonde-haired woman garbed in a blue snakeskin miniskirt and a purple halter top and matching fringe cowboy boots; "Oh. My. God!" Niles gasped, "Is this the 'hoe stroll'?" He asked aloud. "Ah of course," Frasier said "XXX-street, the hoe stroll of Seattle." Frasier opined. But before the men could gather their thoughts they were ambushed by a very large African-American hooker and a tiny midget hooker, both dressed for business and eyeing the men up and down;

"Well honey, who do we have here?" the overweight black hooker asked while adjusting her earrings. "I am Doctor Frasier Crane," Frasier introduced himself. "And this is my brother Niles Crane." he added, "Also a doctor!" Niles corrected. "Oh yea, you're the one from the radio!" The midget hooker pointed, "Latrice you remember calling into that one show?" The midget asked. "Oh yeahhh!" Latrice replied with a cackle, "Amy that was some crazy shiznit that evening." Latrice bellowed. "So what brings you gentlemen out here?" Latrice asked eyeballing Niles intensely. "We-we're," Niles stuttered, "We're looking for you!" Frasier blurted out. "What?!" Niles panicked, "You were?!" Amy and Latrice asked in unison. "Yes we were at home feeling bored and lonely and asked ourselves 'what's waiting out there for us'?" Frasier explained. Niles elbowed Frasier as he noticed the blonde hooker one street up turn, and step into the light of the lamppost and looked somewhat familiar, "Hey Frasier look!" Niles whispered as Frasier looked up and squinted, "Roz?" He said aloud, "I-I'm sorry ladies we really wish we could entertain you but we just remembered we left our father in the car." Frasier apologized. "You left your own father in the car?!" Latrice gasped in horror. "Lord have mercy!" She added. "You animals!" Amy shouted, hitting the men with her purse. "I might be a hoe but I know how to respect MY daddy!" Latrice shouted as she took off her earrings and "Ugg boots" and prepared to attack the men, who in turn hightailed it out of there.

"Roz! ROZ!" Frasier screamed as he approached her out of breath. "Frasier, what are you doing here?" Roz asked. "I think...the better...question...is...what...are...YOU...doing...here?!" Frasier said between gasps. "I'm out here WORKING because you lost me my JOB at the station, remember?!" Roz shouted in Frasier's face. "And what's he doing here?" Roz asked, motioning to Niles as she took a drag off her cigarette "He one of those 'sickies'?" she inquired, causing Niles to wrinkle his nose and lips up into a scowl. "Roz you don't...have to do this..." Frasier gasped. "Uh actually I do!" Roz said blowing smoke in Frasier's face, "And it's 'Sheila' while I'm on the clock!" she added.

Just then Martin ambled from around the corner with a stride in his step, completely dressed in a red velvet suit, with a matching cowboy hat with a matching cape trimmed with white fur and platform-fishbowl shoes, and wielding a "bejeweled" version of his cane; "Hey Sheila I just got back from the den and...!" Martin shouted as he approached Roz before looking up from counting his money clip of hundreds of dollars and shrieked when he recognized his sons making a deal with his prostitute. "Frasier! Niles!" Martin screamed in shock, "DAD!" the men yelled in unison. "What are you doing here?!" All three shouted at the same time.

"**A Reasonable Explanation"**

Martin held up his hands motioning for Niles and Frasier to calm down, "Now boys calm down and let's talk this through." Martin said calmly. "Do not tone police us!" Frasier shouted, "Yea!" Niles added. "Okay, alright just keep quiet and let me explain." Martin pleaded. "KEEP QUIET!?" Frasier bellowed, "YOU ARE A GO-BETWEEN FOR SCANDAL!" Frasier cried out, "A PROCURER OF SIN!" he added dramatically. "YOU ARE PIMPING OUT THE LOWLIFE DREGS OF THIS FALLEN SOCIETY!" Frasier added eloquently. "Hey, I happen to be one of those dregs!" Roz retorted offended, "Sorry Roz." Frasier quickly apologized. "It's not what it looks like!" Martin assured, "Dad you're literally dressed like pimp, carrying money like a pimp, and were in the process of approaching a whore like a pimp." Niles explained. "HEY!" Roz yelled angrily. "Sorry Roz." Niles replied. "Okay it's exactly what it looks like!" Martin gave up. "But why dad?" Frasier wondered, "What has made you fall so low?" he asked. "Fall?" Martin queried, "Fraze I've been doing this off and on since I was on the force." Martin admitted. The Crane brothers both gasped, while Niles nearly fainted causing Frasier to hold him up by his arms. "D-did mom know at least?" Frasier inquired disgusted. "Did she know? It was her idea!" Martin replied with a crisp laugh, causing Frasier to let go of Niles and collapse himself onto the street corner. "Look it was nothing, just a little casual fun and some money on the side." Martin explained. "Dad you are PIMPING MY PRODUCER!" Frasier screamed from atop a pile of garbage bags. "Okay, okay fine you want me to quit? Fine I quit!" Martin declared, "There happy?" He sarcastically asked. Frasier and Niles both clamored to their feet, brushing off banana peels, used condoms, and a variety of other debris off their suits before regaining their composure and replying; "Fine, let's go we brought the car." Frasier stated. "Nah I'm taking the mercedes home." Martin said as he hobbled off around the corner, "You have a mercedes!?" Niles questioned. "Have had one since eighty-two!" Martin shouted back. "Coming Niles?" Frasier asked, "Hell no I'm riding in the mercedes with dad!" Niles declared as he chased after his father.

Frasier turned to face Roz, "Roz, uh 'Sheila' I'm very sorry you have to do this." He said feeling ashamed. "Why, I'm not?" Roz replied, taking a drag off her cigarette. "It's just that you're the best producer I've ever known..." "I'm the ONLY producer you've ever known." Roz corrected. "Well yes, and I hate seeing you in this condition." Frasier confessed. "Frasier this 'condition' is called the human condition, and you have to put all of your little phobias and biases away if you want to make ends meet." Roz added. "Yes, I see..." Frasier said staring down at his feet, "And little Alice?" Frasier inquired. "She's fine, she's got a month of game pass on the Xbox and she's already beaten a whole university of privileged kids." Roz added. Frasier smiled and patted Roz on the shoulder, "Well as much as I'd hate to, I have to take my leave." He stated. "Oh thank god!" Roz blurted, "I was afraid you were going to proposition me!" Roz laughed. "Roz, my god!" Frasier gasped with a look of indignation and horror plastered on his face. "Go on, I'll be fine!" Roz said, lighting up another cigarette. "See you tom..." Frasier stopped mid sentence before realizing his faux-pas in the making, "See you." He said before turning and briskly walking down the alley to where his car was parked, only to find it stripped of tires and resting onto four sets of cinder-blocks. "Oh for Christ's sake!" Frasier screamed as he kicked at the car and angrily swung his fists into the air.

"Oi!" cried an obvious British voice, panicked Frasier assumed it was his housemaid Daphne, before turning and seeing a tall white man dressed all in black with blonde slicked back hair leaning against the brick alley wall, taking a drag off of a cigarette. "Avin' some caw trouble mate?" he asked, bellowing some smoke in Frasier's direction. "Oh no, I always jack all four of my tires and...remove my own stereo system whenever I come to this part of town." Frasier ranted sarcastically. "I'd say it was bloody good advice, if ya weren't being a cheek." the man said as he unfolded his arms, tossed the cigarette to the ground and approached the car. "Aye looks like ya been hit hard, prolly a chop shop." he added. "A chop shop?" Frasier reiterated scared, "Ya mate there's a few about town, local to the area. Prolly got scared an' left the hulk behind." He explained. "W-what'll I do?" Frasier asked panicked. "Aye dun worry 'bout it mate, I'll get ya sorted, just follow me right." The man declared as he turned and began walking out of the alley. Frasier's gut instinct told him that this was very obviously a set-up, while his heart told him that he was hungry and craving some cheerio-O's and that it was also past Mr. Bottomsley's bedtime, so like the sane and logical person he is he followed the strange blond man. Frasier kept up pace with the blonde-haired bloke all the way into a secluded parking lot, where a car sat parked under a gray matte tarp. The man took an edge of the tarp and held it back as like a magician would before revealing his trick, and he yanked off the tarp completely;

"Tada!" He announced revealing a near-mint condition jet black convertible. "Oh thank god!" Frasier cried with an audible gasp, allowing himself to hug the strange man. "Wot, you thought I was gunna mug you?" the man asked, "No dear god I thought because you're British that you drove a mini-cooper!" Frasier replied relieved. The man tore open the driver's side door and slid in, "Get in, I'll drive you home but first I gotta say 'allo to mah bird right quick." he said turning the key in the ignition. "Frasier did as he was told, and quickly climbed into the leather-backed seats with flames emblazoned on them and buckled himself in. "Ah she purrs like a kitten!" Frasier noted with a smile, "Aye brilliant ainshee?" he replied. "Oh I'm Frasier by the way, you may have heard me on the radio." Frasier said with an outstretched hand, "Name's Billy," the blonde-haired bloke responded shaking his hand. "Yea you're an alright quack from what I've heard." But Frasier was too busy wondering if it would be considered "racist" to ask this obviously British man if he knew Daphne Moon, based solely upon the fact that they are both from the United Kingdom.

Billy drove Frasier down the street and pulled up by XXX-STREET and put the car in park, "Jess a seck mate, gotta go check on my bird, won't be a minute." Billy assured as he climbed out of the driver's seat. Frasier darted his head about eyeing the street up and down, realizing that this was in fact the very same "XXX Street" that Roz A.K.A 'Sheila' had been "working" at. Then it dawned on him, "My god..." Frasier droned. Billy lit up a cigarette for 'Sheila', before locking lips with her. "Ay sugar, how's yer noit been?" Billy inquired. "It's been pretty good, better now that you're here." Roz said with a wink. "You got that money for me baby?" Billy asked, kissing Roz's hand, causing her to giggle and blush. "I do, but you have to reach for it bad boy." Roz replied, licking her lips. Then Billy casually reached into Roz's cleavage and retrieved a fifty dollar bill, "You're capitol baby!" Billy muttered as he pulled Roz into an embrace and kissed her neck, "You're...you're FRASIER!" Roz screamed as she noticed the radio doctor standing a foot behind her on the sidewalk. "What the hell are you still doing here?" Roz complained. "Aye you two acquainted already?" Billy acknowledged. "He's a popular psychologist, everyone knows who he is." Roz replied. "Actually William, she is my producer." Frasier stated, "I _'WAS'_ your producer." Roz corrected, taking Billy's cigarette and smoking it. "Oi what's happened baby bird?" Billy asked, trying to console Roz, who vehemently denied knowing what he was talking about. "Oh...it was just some stupid mix-up with this pokemon game." She explained. "Yea you mean poker-man go?" Billy questioned. "That's the one!" Roz replied. "Ace, I love that game!" Billy declared. "That's great..." Roz said sarcastically. "Ay dock 'ow many of them 'mons do ya have?" Billy wondered. "Oh I don't know William, I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 before chucking my smart phone off the balcony in frustration." Frasier responded modestly. "While this is really great and all, I think it's time for you to drive the doctor home, BILL and we can get together later." Roz said while physically moving Frasier into the backseat of the Convertible. "Aye Roz, c'mere an plant one." Billy demanded, to which Roz obeyed. "Billy, it's 'Sheila' when I'm working." Roz said coyly. "Aw bird, yew gnaw I ain't ever going to 'member that." Billy admitted before getting in the car and driving away with Frasier waving at Roz from the backseat.

Later that night Frasier pushed open the door to his Elliott-Bay Towers condominium and stepped inside, with Billy following behind; "Tada!" Frasier announced quietly as he showed Billy the fireplace. "Noice digs Doctor Crane." Billy whispered back. "William, would you care for a glass of sherry before hitting the road?" Frasier inquired before grabbed the bottle. "Naw I'm driving 'member, need to keep ma noggin clear." Billy replied. "Ah yes, right of course!" Frasier said while softly hitting his own head and seemingly having forgotten the important lesson he had learned in the last chapter, about driving while impaired or distracted. Billy glanced down at his smart phone, before wincing at the Doctor. "Sorry mate, it's midnight and I've gotta jet." Frasier nodded in understanding, "Of course I completely understand." He replied. "But how 'bout we meet up this weekend, oil bring ma bird and you bring yours we'll paint the town red!" Billy declared. Frasier's eyes lit up like a little kid unwrapping the perfect Christmas present, or a teenage girl being asked to the prom by her crush. "O-of course William, I'd love that!" Frasier blurted like a girl in heat, "I-I mean ACES!" he shouted, "Capitol idea mate!" He yelled as he slapped Billy on the shoulder before ushering him out the door and bidding him good night. Frasier then turned his back to the door, his eyes in a daze with a lovelorn look plastered across his face with visible pink and red cartoon hearts popping in and out, and dancing above his head.

(End Credits roll, shows Frasier dressed up like a typical 1950's greaser wearing a black pompadour wig and pretending to comb his hair while leaning up against Billy's black convertible and trying to impress two teenage girls. Billy and Roz get into the car unbeknownst to Frasier who is still posturing and drive off, causing him to fall on the ground and the girls laugh and walk away.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'  
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My  
Mercy 

And maybe I seem a bit confused  
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!  
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs  
They're callin' again."


	6. Confessions of a 40-Something Drama Quee

Frasier 6.0: "_Confessions of a 40-Something Drama Queen_"

"**She Is Serious"**

Frasier sat at his usual spot at Cafe Nervosa, stirring his macchiato with nutmeg and casually read a BDSM magazine that he stole from the Seattle Library. Just then Roz Doyle entered the cafe and placed an order at the counter;

"And don't screw it up this time!" She threatened, slightly opening up her jacket to reveal a knife. She saw Frasier, walked over and took a seat next to him. "Catching up on your reading?" Roz asked sarcastically. "Oh this, I just got it from the kiosk at the library." Frasier admitted. "You mean you stole it." Roz corrected. "Well those magazines are just left there for the people who can't check out actual books." Frasier explained. "I don't think that's how it works." Roz replied, applying a layer of smokey gray eyeshadow to her eyelids. "Going out tonight?" Frasier inquired. "Yea, Billy and I are going to a Bruce Springsteen look-A-like contest." Roz replied. "Oh is Billy competing?" Frasier asked excited. "No, we're just going to watch other people dress up as and sing like Bruce Springsteen, it's pretty fun." Roz explained. "Oh...I see." Frasier replied disappointed. "H-how is William anyway?" He queried. "He's fine Frasier," Roz answered. "D-did he get my messages?" Frasier asked worried. "Yes Frasier he got them all; all six-hundred of them." Frasier sulked in his seat causing Roz to notice, "Frasier what's wrong?" "I was just..." "You wanted to know if Billy could hang with you today?" Roz asked semi-mockingly. "Well...maybe?" Frasier said with a blush. "My god Frasier, do you have a crush on him or what!?" Roz accused. "What?! I. DO. NOT!" Frasier denied. "I find the very notion of male-male homosexual attraction to be preposterous!" Frasier lied, offending a very openly gay couple who stopped holding hands and rushed out of the cafe crying and praying to Rupaul. "Frasier I understand," Roz stated. "Y-you do...?" Frasier asked surprised. "Yea, like he's cool and mysterious and sexy, what's NOT to like?" Roz explained, Frasier nodded along in agreement. "And it's not like you have any friends of your own, so you cling to Billy." Roz added. "I BEG YOUR PARDON!" Frasier replied angrily, "I will have you know madam that I have many friends!" Frasier lied again. "Well let's see you have me, and maybe Bulldog and Noel but they're more like co-workers so they don't count." Roz explained. "I have other friends Roz." Frasier declared before taking a sip of his macchiato. "Name three, and don't say your brother, father or maid." Roz insisted, "They don't count." Frasier shifted in his seat and quickly tried thinking of people he knew he was close to, who were not related to him. "Frank Bellevaqua!" Frasier blurted out, "Who?" Roz queried. "Frank Bellevaqua, very successful back East." Frasier said. "Big name in silt!" He added. "That name does sound familiar..." Roz admitted as she muttered the name to herself under her breath, "See...?" Frasier teased.

Niles burst through the door of Cafe Nervosa and clamored over to his brother's table;

"Frasier thank GOD I found you!" Niles screamed. "Niles get a hold of yourself man!" Frasier recited. "I can't!" Niles responded, "It's Maris...!" "Ah there we have it, what sort of crazy escapades has she got you going on now?!" Frasier questioned annoyed. "It's the eighties." Niles replied, wiping sweat from his forehead. "The eighties?" Frasier reiterated confused. "Yes, she's recently become obsessed with collecting memorabilia from the nineteen-eighties, and has been running me everywhere collecting everything!" Niles complained. "Niles please be more specific!" Frasier groaned. "She wants wristbands, headbands, leg warmers, Popples, Cabbage Patch Kids, moccasins, keychains, pompoms, glitter, fairies, pre-scientology Tom Cruise, betamax...EVERYTHING!" Niles screamed. "God Niles why don't you just use Ebay like the rest of us?" Roz chided, Niles' head turned to look at her; "Oh hi Roz, didn't see you there." "Hi Niles." she replied. "Or are you on the clock, in which case get back to work 'Sheila'!" Niles shouted across the table. "N-now Niles you need to relax, this is just another of Maris' fly-by-night fads, it'll blow over by tomorrow." Frasier explained. "No Frasier I don't think you understand!" Niles muttered, "She's gotten the 'Olivia Newton John'!" Niles cried. "My god!" Frasier gasped, "She IS serious!" Frasier realized. "What am I going to do?" Niles sobbed. "I'll tell you what you're going to do; WE are going to hit every public library computer and bid on every eighties auction we can find!" Frasier declared, rising to his feet. "Good luck." Roz said dryly, as she applied mascara to her eyelashes.

Meanwhile at the Crane house in Elliott-Bay Towers condo, Daphne Moon finished up vacuuming the carpet when Martin hobbled in from the bathroom;

"Ah there you are!" Daphne exclaimed, "Oh hi Daphne, I was just taking my two O'clock constitutional, it's a daily thing." Martin exclaimed as he approached his chair and sat down. "Yes very convenient that you need to use the loo each time the subject of housework comes up." Daphne replied. "Well Daphne you know I have a fallen sacroiliac." Martin confessed. "I thought the doctor said it was a hernia?" Daphne questioned, "Well either way I'm in far too much pain to do any work." Martin said as he faked feeling back pain. "You're a crafty old sod," Daphne said. "But one of these days you're gonna slip up and I'm gonna catch you right as rain." She declared before storming off into her bedroom. "I hope it's not to late to have her deported." Martin wondered to himself.

Later Frasier helped Niles with loading several boxes of Pobbles, Lite Brites, and E.T. The game for Atari into a moving van, before sliding shut the shutter door and slapping the side of the van twice, alerting the movers to drive;

"Frasier, I thought we would NEVER finish." Niles said exasperated. "Well Niles, thanks to my vast network of Star Wars aficionados and human traffickers I do believe I narrowed down every last bit of what Maris wanted." Frasier proclaimed proudly. "Yes, I think you did Frasier, and all for my Maris!" Niles cheered happily. "Just remember Niles, I did this for YOU not her." Frasier mentioned sharply. "Yes of course!" Niles agreed, walking away only to trip over something and fall face down on the road. "Oh Niles do watch where you're walking!" Frasier chided before looking down and noticing the object was a brown, leather bound book. "What have we here?" Frasier asked aloud. "Looks like we missed one!" Niles said as he took the book and tried flagging down the moving truck. "Give me that at once!" Frasier yelled as he yanked the book back from Niles, "Don't you see this belongs to us!" Frasier noted. "I don't get your meaning but go on." Niles interjected. "This book was our mother's; a photo album and the only tangible proof that mom actually liked anything other than murder-suicide stories." Frasier explained. "Ah mom always did love those, she'd call them 'happy endings'." Niles remembered fondly. "So what should we do?" Niles queried. "How about we head back to my place, pop open a bottle of Sherry, send dad out with the help and indulge in a night's worth of childhood-scarring memories?" Frasier invited with a suggestive wink. "Frasier, I will cancel all of my night's plans!" Niles declared. "I thought you were just going to be with Maris tonight?" Frasier wondered. "Oh I was but dealing with her IS a full night's job." Niles responded as he pulled out his cell phone, "Hello Maris dear!" He cooed into the phone. "I'm sorry to say that my work obligations will keep me from our prior engagement." he added. "Oh you already got the truck load of eighties stuff?" He questioned, "All six of them?" he continued, "Ah and you're sure you...because really I could...alright have a fun night dear." Niles said hanging up. "No trouble canceling on Maris?" Frasier inquired. "No actually she is so engrossed with her speak and spell that she has zero time left to dedicate to her earlier commitments." Niles explained. "Who'd a thought?" Frasier mused whimsically. "I know! Maris can barely tolerate speaking out commands to 'Alexa', much less typing them in herself, of course she found it terribly amusing to type in naughty words and have the A.I. Speak them back to her." Niles added. "Oh I'll bet!" Frasier replied. "Yes she was so amused by it that she canceled her entire schedule for the month, just locked herself away, typing in vulgarity after vulgarity and waiting for Alexa to read them back to her." Niles said somewhat forlorn. "Okay Niles, let's go." Frasier insisted as he directed his brother back to the car.

Later that night after pouring themselves a glass of sherry and getting comfortable on the couch, Niles and Frasier began sifting through the ancient leather bound photo album entitled; "_Crane Family Memories_."

"It's amazing you know." Niles blurted as he sipped his wine, "What's that Niles?" Frasier queried. "In all of the years since mom died, I don't recall us ever reflecting on any of our familial memories." Niles explained. "Well Niles, you know what mom and dad would often say to us; 'there's no harm in suppressing your emotions'." Frasier replied as he stirred his sherry with a swizzle stick. "Which of course we all know has been scientifically and academically proven to be harmful to the psyche of the blossoming youth." Niles interjected. "Aha look at this one!" Frasier cried as he showed Niles a photo of themselves as kids investigating a fake crime scene in sepia tone. "Aw I remember this!" Niles cheered emotionally, "This was the time when our nanny was playing detective with us, she did such a good job at faking a heart-attack." Niles remembered fondly. "Yes, she was so in-character that she never returned to work after that." Frasier added. "In the professional wrestling world they call that kind of dedication 'kayfabe'." Niles mused before drinking his sherry. "Oh and what about this one!" Niles cried as he pointed to a black and white photo of himself and Frasier as toddlers, wearing wigs, makeup and sequin dresses. "Oh yes that was quite a fun 'bring your daughter to work day'!" Frasier exclaimed happily. "It was so inclusive of mom to bend the rules a bit in order to get us involved." Niles quipped before refilling his glass of sherry. "Ah yes every year mom would dress us up and bring us to work for a day, of course by our twenties it started to become awkward." Frasier reminisced. "Well that would explain why Aunt Lois continues to send me 'happy transgender awareness day' cards every year." Niles explained.

Frasier stood up and walked over to the fifty-inch flat screen television entertainment set up;

"You know Niles, I am reminded of a tape we had." Frasier noted, causing Niles to furrowing his eyebrows and look away in disgust. "No not THAT tape." Frasier assured, "I had that thing erased, shredded, burned, smashed, and blasted into orbit!" Frasied added. "Well good, it was an evil, evil tape!" Niles cried. "It was as bad as the cursed tape from 'the Ring'." he added. "And that was only your wedding tape." Frasier noted. "The honeymoon was by far worse." Niles proclaimed, "Fortunately no footage of the event actually exists, except maybe on the dark web." Niles replied. "Aha!" Frasier cried triumphantly as he retrieved a dusty black VHS tape from under the entertainment set. "What is even is that Frasier?" Niles wondered. "This my dear Watson, is some of our fondest memories recorded on digital." Frasier explained. "Well pop it in man, let's see what's on it!" Niles prodded excitedly.

Frasier took the black VHS tape and blew off all of the dust before popping it into the VCR;

"Ah there we are!" Frasier giggled happily as he took the remote and pressed the play button. The television screen flickered before displaying a man and a woman in old-fashioned clothing sitting around a crackling fire; the woman knitting, while the man read a newspaper.

"Look how young mom and dad look!" Niles blurted with a laugh. "Yes, it's true what they say Niles; 'people weren't as ugly back then'." Frasier replied. Just then the scene flashed forward to show Niles and Frasier reenacting a scene from "Annie Get Your Gun", at the church choir. "Ah I remember that performance." Frasier remembered fondly. "Yes, the archdiocese proclaimed it was the best all-male performance of 'Annie get your gun' he'd ever seen." Niles responded.

The old VHS tape recording then showed Niles & Frasier's mother, Hester making muffins in the kitchen while the cameraman (Martin) reached up behind her and grabbed her ass, causing her to shriek in surprise and whip around and fire off a glock. Frasier and Niles both laughed hysterically at the scene, before the footage shifted to the backyard where a pre-teen Niles & Frasier were coaxed into fighting each other, while rough-looking men stood at the sidelines making bets and hollering obscenities. "Do you remember when this happened?" Niles wondered. "Oh I think it was when mom and dad were marketing those 'boy fights' movies on VHS, was about the time we entered middle-school." Frasier replied. "I always wondered why they would try goading us into fist-fighting." Niles queried. "It was meant to toughen us up." Frasier replied flatly. "Well they missed the mark on that one." Niles answered back sharply.

Meanwhile at the Seattle mall of America, Daphne walked Martin and Eddie around the top floor, avoiding many of the old people and handicapped mall patrons, as Martin clomped along carelessly with his walker;

"You sure are nimble for a man with a what was it, 'slipped sacroiliac'!" Daphne exclaimed suspicious. "You heard the specialist, he said I needed to get my one hour of cardio a day." Martin replied nonchalantly, "And besides I can't be bothered to do any of that 'new age crap', I tried yoga once and wound up in a reverse sixty-nine position with another guy." Martin explained. "Oh I don't know," Daphne started. "I think putting your body through the ringer is good for ya once in a while." She said. "Well not for me, I already have a slipped disk." "Sacroiliac!" Daphne corrected, "Whatever!" Martin shrugged annoyed. "Anyway my grammy Moon would always stay active, even into her late eighties." Daphne explained. "That seems kind of extreme for someone of her advanced age." Martin replied shocked. "Oh not at all, she loved it!" Daphne exclaimed whimsically, "In fact she came in number two in cat curling." She added. "Only number two?" Martin quipped. "Aye she would've taken the gold 'cept the bobbies came and dragged her off to the nut farm." Daphne explained. "Just as well actually, the neighbors tend to take it personally when you go 'round hurling their cats for recreational sport." Daphne continued, causing Martin to shudder in horror as he trudged along yanking Eddie along with him.

"**Goofy Gophers"**

Just then the footage was overwritten by an old cartoon featuring two gophers who acted very effete and extremely polite towards one another, while stealing a farmer's crops. "What in the blue blazes is this?" Frasier demanded angrily. "It appears to be an animated short of some sort." Niles pointed out. "Oh really genius, I hadn't noticed!" Frasier blurted meanly. "Looks like an old 'Bob Clampett', probably from the late forties or early fifties." Niles explained. "Well why on earth is this childish drivel recorded over our precious memories!?" Frasier groaned annoyed. "Wait a minute!" Niles hollered as he thumbed through the leather bound photo album, "I recognize those two!" He added. "Well good for you mister Disney!" Frasier said rudely. "Those are 'Mac' and 'Tosh', the 'Goofy Gophers'!" Niles explained as he showed Frasier a page in the photo book that clearly displayed a cut out of the gophers with Niles and Frasier's names overwritten on them. "What in the wild blue hell is this!?" Frasier questioned almost panicked. "And out birth certificates clearly show were originally going to be called 'Mac Frasier' and 'Tosh Niles Crane'." Niles explained further. "What on earth, why would mom or dad for that matter allow this?!" Frasier exclaimed. "They were probably fans of the cartoon, and chose our names as sort of a 'monument' to their shared fondness of their favorite show?" Niles rationalized.

Just then the door burst open and in hobbled Martin, followed by Eddie and Daphne who carried a dozen boxes and bags from various shopping centers. "Y'know I could bloody well use some 'alp over here old man!" Daphne groaned as she struggled to lift everything into the apartment. "Can't help, hernia, doctor's orders." Martin brushed off as he ambled over to the fridge and retrieved a six pack of beer and reclined on his lazy boy chair.

"What's this you boys are watching?" Martin questioned. "Oh dad, it's an old family recording Niles and I were just analyzing." Frasier replied. "Oh, well if you're finished could you change the channel and then skedaddle, my nature 'documentary' is coming on." Martin asked while readying his box of tissues and economy sized bottle of lotion. "Wait dad, do you remember those two cartoon gophers from years ago?" Frasier wondered. "You know the very effete, overly polite ones." Niles added. "Those!?" Martin queried as he used his glasses to study the television screen harder. "Oh yea, your mom and I really got a kick out of those characters." Martin explained. "Oh so they were just your favorite cartoons then?" Frasier questioned hopeful. "My favorite?" Martin replied, "Nah I HATE cartoons!" Martin hissed angrily. "WHAT!?" Niles and Frasier replied shocked in unison. "They're a waste of time!" Martin groaned annoyed, "Diversionary tactics set up by the commies over in 'Mother Russia'!" Martin screeched. "B-but dad our names, in the book!" Frasier cried sadly. "What about 'em?!" Martin grumbled. "Th-they're the same names as those two cartoon gophers!" Frasier added. "What?!" Martin shrieked confused as he veered his head around to study the leather bound photo album that Frasier held up. "Your mother and I detested cartoons Fraze, you should know that!" Martin said. "But why were our names the same as the two gophers!?" Niles interjected curiously. "Because they cracked us up how similar you two were to those two cartoon fairies!" Martin croaked with an evil laugh. "W-what, y-you did!?" Frasier and Niles sniveled. "Yea, your mom always had a keen eye for these sorts of things and when she realized how much alike you two were to those two gophers we just had to rush you to the hospital and have your names changed!" Martin explained. "A-are you serious!?" Niles cried upset. "R-really now dad, this is a cruel jest!" Frasier added. "It's no joke, we'd see you kids sitting around acting and talking all 'fancypants' and 'prim and proper' and it would just kill us inside, literally KILL us!" Martin explained. "So whenever we saw you acting y'know, like 'YOU' we'd just point and say; 'look at those goofy gophers'!" Martin continued. "My god!" Frasier shrieked. "The humanity!" Niles cried. "See? The way you 'Mary's' are acting is precisely the reason why your mother did what she did." Martin noted coldly before cracking open a beer. "Y-you say it was all mom's idea?" Frasier queried. "Yea like I said she had a real keen eye for these little details." Martin replied. "Like I always thought you two were just gay, and that a few trips to the 'Brigham Young University' psychoanalyst's office would fix it up, but your mom knew better!" Martin exclaimed. "She was the real thinker in this family and she could see all of those little quirks and idiosyncrasies that made up the man behind the mask." Martin explained. "God I miss that woman!" Martin sobbed as he reached for a pretzel. "Oh if only it had been you two instead of her!" Martin cried as he pounded the arm of his chair angrily with his fist. "Dad, I'm so sorry I had no idea this would resurrect such emotional trauma!" Niles cried. "Yes please Dad, we're sorry!" Frasier moaned. "Well what's done is done!" Martin acknowledged before taking the remote and changing the channel, "Now both of you shush, 'My one-thousand pound life' is coming on!" Martin demanded. Frasier and Niles just stared blankly; shocked and traumatized at each other, before rising to their feet, grabbing their coats and slipping out of the apartment.

(End Credits roll, shows old recorded footage of Hester and Martin Crane watching a goofy gophers cartoon and laughing hysterically as they watched Niles and Frasier playing and laugh harder as they place the television on mute and assume the boys are voicing the cartoons.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'  
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My  
Mercy 

And maybe I seem a bit confused  
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!  
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs  
They're callin' again."


	7. Damage Control

Frasier 7.0: "_Damage Control"_

"**Cats and Dogs"**

Frasier sat at his usual spot at Cafe Nervosa, reading a Russian edition of _"Fifty Shades of Grey"_. Just then Roz Doyle entered the cafe and shook off her umbrella before tossing it in the bin by the door;

"Hey Frasier." Roz announced as she pulled up a chair across from him. "Ah Roz, how are you this fine day?" He inquired gleefully. "Frasier it's raining cats and dogs outside." Roz replied. "Really? I didn't see anything." Frasier said stunned as he sat up and tried peering through the cafe bay window. "Well believe me if I wasn't 'working' I would've stayed inside and ordered a 'documentary' on the Playgirl channel." Roz said dryly. "Well you know Roz, as the great philosopher Crapotese once mused; 'rain is merely the teardrops of the gods blessing our victory into Versailles'..." "Can it Teddy Ruxpin!" Roz screeched as she applied bright red lip rouge. "So speaking of working, are we 'working' tonight as well?" Frasier wondered. "If by 'we' you mean ME then yes." Roz replied. "Ah I see..." Frasier said, "Your go-between wouldn't happen to be 'working' alongside you would he?" Frasier queried. "What are you talking about?" Roz replied annoyed. "You know, YOUR PIMP!" Frasier whispered loudly across the table. "I don't have a PIMP FRASIER!" Roz bellowed back, "And keep your voice down!" She added. "I thought dad was your go-between." Frasier whispered confused. "No, Marty was just helping me with something that's all." Roz responded. "Ah, so then that must mean that Billy is..." Frasier hesitated. "What...?!" Roz screeched annoyed. "Billy must be...your...dealer?" Frasier wondered. "Oh my god!" Roz shouted offended, "Billy is NOT my pimp OR my dealer FRASIER!" Roz screamed, "He happens to be my BOYFRIEND!" Roz yelled at full volume, causing some of the Cafe patrons to look at her. "Oh like this is the first public meltdown you've ever seen!" Roz replied flippantly to the patrons, who agreed and returned to whatever they were doing.

Just then the cafe door burst open and Niles Crane rushed in frantically, approached Frasier's table out of breath. "Niles my god man what's wrong with you!?" Frasier bellowed concerned. "It's Maris!" Niles gasped, "She's on a hunger strike!" he added. "Ah well that should be easy for her," Frasier replied nonchalantly. "After all she eats like what a crumb a month?" "No this time it's different!" Niles exclaimed, "She's joined a 'foodie club'!" Niles continued. "She has new friends, people she calls 'big eaters' and they come over everyday and grill hot dogs, hamburgers, microwaveable hot pockets, mini tacos, tacquitos, pizza rolls, bagel bites and corn dogs!" Niles blurted all in one gasp. "My god!" Frasier cried, "It's an epidemic!" He added. "I know...I know!" Niles said between breaths. "Well what are you doing about it?" Frasier inquired. "Well, the smells of the various processed trash has caused me no end of seizures and violent stomach aches," Niles explained. "Yes go on!" Frasier replied. "So I ultimately had no choice but to take out a deposit on a new apartment in the city!" Niles exclaimed. "That's ridiculous!" Roz blurted. "Oh hi Roz, I didn't see you there!" Niles replied. "Hi NILES!" Roz greeted sarcastically. "You here with anyone or just on break from 'work'?" Niles wondered. "I'm waiting for Billy to pick me up." Roz replied. "Ah so nice of one's pimp to provide chauffeur service." Niles chimed. "He is NOT my PIMP!" Roz screamed. "Oh sorry, dealer." Niles corrected. "Jesus CHRIST!" Roz yelled as she gathered her things and stomped off, "Roz it's practically a deluge out there!" Frasier warned. "I'll take my chances in the wild!" Roz hollered back before storming out the door. "Let her go Frasier, a hooker can't be expected to call in every time it gets a little rainy." Niles declared. "Yes, yes of course you're right." Frasier agreed.

Later that day Frasier lounged on his sofa, again reading the Russian translation of _"Fifty Shades of Grey"_, while holding a glass of sherry. There suddenly was a loud and brisk series of knocks at the door, prompting Frasier to rise from his seat and examine his watch with confusion;

"Well hell I'm not expecting anyone." Frasier said aloud. The loud series of brisk knocks rang again as Frasier placed the book and glass of sherry on the coffee table and skipped over to the threshold to answer the door. He gripped the doorknob and pulled back the door revealing station manager Kate Costas on the other side;

"Why Kate, what brings you here?" Frasier groaned with a scowl. "Nice to see you to Frasier." Kate replied. "Well as you know KATE, I have recently been unemployed and have been forced to scour the garbage cans and dumpsters of Seattle just to make ends meet!" Frasier complained. "Well I came here with the intention of getting your job back, but if you're going to be moody..." Kate responded turning and walking toward the elevator. "W-wait Kate let's not be hasty!" Frasier panicked as he ran outside, grabbed Kate by the shoulders and ushered her into the apartment. "Sherry?" Frasier offered, holding up the bottle. Kate shook her head, "I'm driving." She replied. "Ah of course!" Frasier replied. "Let's cut the formalities and just get down to business." Kate suggested as she approached the dining table and placed her coral-colored clutch-purse down. "Well what did you have in mind, Kaitlyn?" Frasier queried. "It's Kate." she corrected. "Sorry Katie." Frasier apologized, "JUST KATE!" she screamed, causing Frasier to stumble and fall backwards onto his sofa. "As you know the station has been down for weeks..." Kate explained, "The only channels allowed on air are the Mexican-language ones." she added. "That would explain all of the late night salsa lessons." Frasier quipped to himself. "The station owner has reached out to a new insurance company and they've agreed to help us." Kate explained, "That's excellent news!" Frasier proclaimed happily. "But!" Kate interjected, "B-but...?" Frasier hesitated. "In order for us to get our programs back up and running again, we need to show them that we're serious about our image and that we've learned from our past mistakes." Kate added. "Ah I understand, I think I see where you're going with this." Frasier replied, "You're speaking of some sort of 'damage control' correct?" Frasier assumed, causing Kate to wink and make a gun with her fingers and point at him, "Boy you sure are bright Frasier!" Kate replied sarcastically. "We NEED to improve our image if we're ever going to be taken seriously again, which is why I hired a specialist who will be working with us for the rest of the week." Kate explained as she retrieved her cell phone and scrolled through her texts.

Then suddenly there was a loud, sharp bang at the door, causing Frasier's already pale face to grow whiter as he looked over to it with a sickened expression and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He braced himself before opening the door, revealing a middle-aged woman with bright red hair in a bob-cut perm, in a peach business pantsuit;

"Frasier!" the woman excitedly chirped, "MY GOD IT'S BEBE!" Frasier cried as he desperately tried closing the door on her. Kate interrupted and forced open the door, "Frasier THIS is our specialist." She explained. "Oh...oh I see." Frasier said nervously. "Frasier darling it's been ages, how have you been?" Bebe Glazer inquired as she stepped into the apartment and kissed Frasier on both cheeks. Suddenly Mr. Bottomsley, Frasier's gray British Short-Hair cat, hissed and arched his back up before he jumped off of the sofa and scampering down the hall. "I get that reaction a lot." Bebe noted. "Along with the moon turning red, the sky blackening, the seas' drying up..." Frasier added. "Enough!" Kate interjected, "We need to get down to business or we can kiss our business goodbye!" Frasier thought for a moment before speaking, "Wait a minute..." He started, "Why come to me instead of the hundred or so other KACL employees?" Frasier queried. Kate shrugged and tilted her head, "I don't know..." She lied, "Probably because you're the easiest to manipulate?" She added. "No, there is more plot to this play than the narrator has revealed!" Frasier announced dramatically. Kate and Bebe froze and just exchanged unsure glances at one another, before Bebe spoke up;

"Frasier darling it's not that you're easy to manipulate, it's that Kate knows star-quality when she sees it, she's just too prideful to admit it." Bebe explained, "Isn't that right Kate?" Bebe asked with a wink. "Yea...sure...whatever." Kate replied bored. "So Frasier dear, this is what will happen that is IF and only IF you agree with our terms and conditions." Bebe said, "T-terms...w-what terms?" Frasier asked concerned. "Oh it's nothing really, just some technical mumbo-jumbo that a star like you needn't concern himself with. Let the egghead temps read it for you, that's what they're getting paid for isn't it?!" Bebe suggested. "Temps don't get paid though..." Frasier interjected. "Ah well, see more money for you Frasier dear!" Bebe announced cheerfully, giving an "ok" sign with her thumb and fingers to Kate, who sarcastically returned the gesture. "Well what do you say Frasier darling, are you ready to get back out there and make mega millions?!" Bebe asked with an insincere smile. "We never said millions." Kate interrupted, "We have to clarify that for legal reasons." "Well you never know Kate dear, he might...?" Bebe replied, "Just look at that face; listen to that voice just booming with star power!" she exclaimed, causing Frasier's already inflated head to grow even larger.  
"I'll do it!" Frasier announced. "Wonderful dear, just sign on the dotted line here!" Bebe replied, pulling out an ancient looking piece of parchment paper that rolled down to the ground, and unfurled across the floor for at least a yard. "Is that an...?" Frasier pondered aloud, "An elder scroll?" Bebe interrupted, "A contract?" Frasier added. "Oh it's just your standard talent contract, all of the big Hollywood types have 'em; Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr, Ryan Reynolds..." Bebe explained, "Of course not Mel Gibson, no he unfortunately sold his soul to God before we could get to him!" Bebe cursed angrily. "WHAT!?" Frasier cried scared, looking up from his contract. "Oh nothing dear, just a littler agent's joke you know how it is!" Bebe said with a nervous laugh. "No Bebe I don't believe that I am fully acquainted with the dogma of the Hollywood elite." Frasier replied rudely, "Well you will be!" Bebe muttered under her breath. "What was that!?" Frasier questioned panicked, "N-nothing dear just put your John Hancock on the lines, and we can move on to the really fun part!" Bebe announced with an almost evil grin. "Here..." Frasier droned dryly as he suspiciously handed off the contract to Bebe, "Excellent dear!" Bebe exclaimed happily, "As you know this contract means that the network owns your soul until the year thirty forty-five!" Bebe said all at once in one breath hurriedly. "WHAT!?" Frasier screamed alarmed, "Nothing, nothing to be alarmed about darling, trust me!" Bebe lied. "I believe that's what the serpent said to Adam and Eve before they were cast down from Eden!" Frasier replied angrily.

Later that night Frasier, Bebe and Kate stood within a network-owned film studio where Frasier sat in a director's chair with hair and makeup people pampering and powdering him while Bebe screamed at a client over the phone;

"Well why can't you make it Michael? Let's hear it!?" Bebe cried over the phone, "Well YOU'RE USELESS MICHAEL!" Bebe screamed in hysterics, "USELESS!" Before hanging up the call and recomposing herself. "Ah Frasier darling you look amazing, simply amazing!" She lied. "Thank you Bebe." Frasier replied. "The camera is simply going to eat you up!" Bebe said with a giggle. "The...cameras aren't carnivorous here are they? They don't eat people...right?" Frasier panicked as he sunk into his seat and sneakily looked around the corner. "You have nothing to fear darling, everything's been taken care of all you need to do is just read from this script." Bebe said as she retrieved a typed manuscript from out of her purse. "MY GOD!" Frasier protested, "What is this 'Moby Dick'!?" He cried. "It's your only chance to get off the welfare bus so don't screw it up!" Kate screeched annoyed, causing Frasier to sweat profusely and cry a little.

Just then an extremely fat man dressed like a mime; wearing a black and white striped suit and a french beret entered the studio and approached Frasier. "Who is this?!" The fat man bellowed. "This is Doctor Frasier Crane," Bebe announced, "He's the star talent of KACL and will be headlining our little production here." She added. "Then why is he sitting on MY SEAT!?" The fat man screamed into Frasier's face, causing him to jump out of the seat and dart behind Kate Costas. "Frasier, Kate this is Guillermo del Toro, he will be directing our little commercial this evening." Bebe declared. "G-Guillermo del Toro?!" Frasier muttered helplessly, "Y-your work is an artform!" he exclaimed. "Thank you." the director replied. "I've seen everything from Pan's Labyrinth to The Shape of Water, and I must say I loved them all!" Frasier droned one. "Why is this thing still chirping at me?" The director moaned to Bebe, who took Frasier by the arm and walked him to his dressing room.

Meanwhile Martin sat at his ratty recliner watching a show about compulsive liars when Daphne Moon trudged in carrying a load of laundry;

"Oi mister Crane!" She screeched, "What is it Daphne I'm in the middle of one of my programs!?" "I've been doing the laundry of this entire flat and I've consistently been running out of panties!" Martin shifted his eyes rapidly before shrugging, "I don't know why you're coming to me, you know I don't go in your room!" Martin replied. "Aye and I suppose my knickers just magically grew legs and ran off to get married?" Daphne hissed sarcastically. "Well you never know!" Martin exclaimed. "Well no bother, it's not like it'd be the first time something like this happened to a 'Moon'." Daphne explained, "My Grammy Moon once had an entire collection of crushed velvet underwear, all from before the war." Daphne added, "Which war?" Martin inquired. "Oh they're all the same." Daphne replied, to Martin's chagrin. "Anyway, she would never go to sleep without first having nailed her knickers down in place." Daphne stated. "What!? That's ludicrous!" Martin cried doubtfully. "No it's true!" Daphne insisted, "And every full-moon the knickers would be found to have 'mysteriously vanished' as the official report from Scotland Yard put it." Daphne continued, "Almost seventy years later and no one's seen a head nor tail of those panties!" Daphne explained. "It's a mystery." Martin droned sarcastically as he returned to watching his program, "Well if it keeps on happening here I'm gonna have to ring the Vicar up and have this place exorcised!" Daphne declared, "There's no way I'm tending to my knickers in a 'demon-possessed' flat!" She added before storming off back to her bedroom.

Later that night Frasier sat at a desk before a crew of stagehands, buffers, camera technicians and of course the extremely obese director; 'Guillermo del Toro'. The fat director reached into a box of donuts and gobbled down three before chugging back an entire 7-11 Big Gulp; "Now Doctor Crane we need to see more emotion, MORE EMOTION!" the director screamed through his megaphone. "B-but senior del Toro I was just thinking that maybe, perhaps I could..." Frasier explained before the fat director yanked himself up and out of his folding chair, and waddled over onto the set where Frasier was and screamed; "NOTHING YOU SAY MATTERS UNLESS THOSE CAMERAS ARE ROLLING!" before promptly turning around, and plopping back into his folding chair. Frasier sat looking frantic and upset and considered running away, before Kate Costas walked by the director and made a "throat slit" gesture across her neck with her finger, while motioning to Frasier. "ACTION!" screamed the fat director as he struggled to reach a bag of cheeto's by his feet.

Five hours and thirty-six minutes later, the set crew wrapped up filming and the director flippantly left the studio without speaking a word to anyone. "Is that it, are we done?" Frasier wondered panicked, "Relax Frasier dear you're work here is finished." Bebe assured, "However my job of demanding that you receive a full cut of the pay, is just beginning." Bebe said as she excused herself to scream at someone on her cell phone. Kate saw Frasier and approached him, "Not bad Frasier, not bad." She said patting him on the shoulder. "So that's it, we've got our jobs back?" He wondered. "No not yet, we still have to wait to hear back from the studio owner but my instinct tells me it's a 'shoe-in'." Kate replied happily. "Oh Kate, I've never been so happy to work overtime!" Frasier exclaimed with a euphoric look plastered onto his clammy face. "Frasier are you feeling well?" Kate asked, clasping Frasier's chin in her hand as she turned his head to the side, "You're extremely pale and clammy to boot." She explained. "I feel fine, in fact I feel the best I've felt since...since I dumped that hack Diane back in eighty-three!" Frasier declared. "My god Frasier, you're burning up you have a fever!" Kate exclaimed. "Oh don't be ridiculous!" Frasier replied, "You have a fever!" He added before collapsing onto the refreshment table, out cold.

Just then Bebe came scurrying into the set and noticed Frasier on the ground, "Is that my latest star!?" She panicked, "He better not be dead, he's not insured yet!" She screamed. "He's been working with a fever and collapsed." Kate explained, kneeling at Frasier's side. "Oh..." Bebe replied, "Well then nothing to panic over." Bebe added. "I'll just flag down some paramedics." Bebe said as she walked away screaming at random people in the studio.

Later Frasier woke up in the hospital hooked up to an intravenous drip and a heart monitoring machine, with tubes up his nose. The door opened and in came Niles, "Frasier you're awake!" He chittered gleefully. "Yes...yes Niles I appear to be most awake." Frasier groaned, "A-and...what on earth are these contraptions...I seem to be conjoined to...?" Frasier mentioned as he tugged at his tubes, "MY GOD THEY MADE ME INTO SOME KIND OF CYBORG!" Frasier screamed, "WHY?! WHY WON'T THEY JUST LET ME DIE!?" Frasier screamed again as Niles watched on unimpressed. "You know you could almost be a dead-ringer for Maris if it weren't for all of the weight and the talking." He explained. "Ah yes, I suppose I should lay still as a rock while refunding last night's supper!" Frasier growled. "Yes that's the spirit!" Niles agreed happily. "Niles what do you want, I'm in a lot of pain here and I don't have time to solve all of your problems for you." Frasier groaned. "Well as it happens, I managed to get all of my belongings moved into my new place!" Niles announced enthusiastically. "New place? Niles are you telling me that you're STILL letting all of those fatties run the show?!" Frasier queried. "It's Maris, she says that since she joined this 'big eaters' group that she's lost well over sixty pounds!" Niles explained. "My god, with that much weight loss she must be one-dimensional by now!" Frasier realized. "Oh yes quite so; whenever she turns to a side she completely vanishes from sight." Niles explained, "Of course now we have to maintain a constant vigil on things like open windows, air ducts, and sewage drains." Niles added. "I thought she was already weary of all that." Frasier replied, "Oh she was, except now she can easily fall under a door crack or slip through a keyhole." Niles said. "Oh enough Niles!" Frasier groaned, "I need to think of other things besides your neurotic wife!" Frasier grumbled. "Well mister grumpy pants, I was going to invite you over to the 'Montana' for my housewarming but I may as well rescind the offer." Niles said flatly. "The Montana?" Frasier reiterated. "Yes it's what we call my flat...or suite...or building, I'm not sure but we call it that." Niles explained. "Look Niles I would be more than happy to come over and celebrate with you, but I just need time." Frasier replied. "Oh yes of course, the way I hear it you dove face-first into the chocolate cake and nearly suffocated then and there." Niles stated. "I had a fever, I was delirious." Frasier growled. "Oh of course, of course." Niles agreed with a wink.

Just then the room door flung open and Kate Costas peered in, "Is it safe for me to come in?" She inquired. "Ah yes Kate of course!" Frasier exclaimed perking up. "N-Niles you remember Kate Costas, our studio manager and my boss." Frasier explained. "Funny I always pictured you wielding a riding crop." Niles stated. "That's funny because I always picture you being whipped by one." Kate retorted, folding her arms. "Well it's been fun Frasier, gotta go!" Niles exclaimed nervously before popping through the door. "Kate what brings you here, surely it wasn't just to check up on me?" Frasier wondered. "Well no, actually I came to bring you the good news." Kate replied, "Good news? Oh so we've got our jobs back at KACL!?" Frasier queried happily, "That AND the owner managed to pull some strings and got the commercial to air tonight, in fact should be on right about now." Kate said as she took the hospital television remote, turned on the T.V. And changed the channel to 5 News. "Oh here it is, it's coming on!" Kate exclaimed happily, then a commercial jingle began playing as Frasier's voice spoke in the foreground with the picture displaying only his hands that were gesturing and were digitized to look like a male and female cartoon gopher using Computer Generated Graphics. At the end of the commercial the two gophers kissed, and the screen blacked out. "Well what do you think?" Kate asked Frasier, turning to face him only to see him laying deathly still with a look of utter shock plastered on his face. "Frasier, FRASIER!" she hollered. "T-ten hours...it took...t-ten hours...and...this...is the...result?" Frasier muttered in a broken way. "You don't like it?" Kate asked. "I've been reduced...to a CGI squirrel." Frasier stated, "It's a gopher actually." Kate corrected. "Ah yes of course, it's always gophers isn't it!" Frasier groaned angrily.

(End Credits roll, shows Frasier sitting at home on his sofa with the television set turned on and the commercial playing. Frasier looks up from his book and glares at the screen, he stands up puts the book on the coffee table, and wheels the fifty-five inch flat screen up and over to the sliding glass door, out onto and over the balcony where he then rubs his hands together and returns to reading his book with triumphant smirk on his face.)

"Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin'  
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

Oh My  
Mercy 

And maybe I seem a bit confused  
Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!  
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs  
They're callin' again."


	8. Frasier Crane Day

Frasier 8.0: "_Frasier Crane Day_"

"**I Know You Are, But What Am I?"**

Frasier sat at home on the sofa reading a People Magazine, specifically the blind item column that guessed the sexualities and promiscuity of random celebrities. Just then the landline telephone rang the "Frasier themesong", which made him jolt up and answer it;

"Crane residence, Doctor Frasier Crane speaking." He announced over the phone, "Charlotte dear how ARE you?!" He cooed into the phone. "Y-you are?!" He reacted excitedly, just as the front door opened up and Martin hobbled inside. "Oh that's wonderful dear I can't wait to see you again, uh-huh buh-bye!" Frasier said sweetly before hanging up. "Who was that!?" Martin eavesdropped crankily. "That was Charlotte, she's flying in from Chicago tonight. She wants to meet for dinner and drinks." Frasier declared. "Well it's about damn time!" Martin sneered, as he ambled over to his ratty recliner and hopped in. "You've only been engaged to the woman for like...FIVE years!" Martin said with scowl. "You're certainly in a MOOD today." Frasier noted, "What's gotten you so foul?" He asked. "Well if you must know it's that damn Mrs. Magrini!" Martin exclaimed. "Oh boy, what'd she do this time?" Frasier queried. "It's that damn snobby poodle of hers, 'Princess' or whatever the hell its name is!" Martin complained, "Each time I bring Eddie to the dog park, that damn poodle always has its way with him!" Martin cursed. "Well dad as predators, canines do exhibit a degree of territorial behavior." Frasier mansplained. "That's not what I mean!" Martin snapped back. "Well what DO you mean?!" Frasier inquired. "I mean that each time I bring poor Eddie there, that poodle is ready and waiting in a gimp suit with a strap-on!" Martin complained. "Oh my..." Frasier muttered to himself. "It's weird Frasier, really WEIRD!" Martin groaned. "I'll say...I mean how is the dog even affording this bondage gear on its own?!" Frasier queried. "I don't know but it's getting to the point where I have to scope out other viable dog parks!" Martin moaned angrily. "Well dad you shouldn't have to change venues just because of someone else's problematic dog." Frasier stated. "I know that, but I ain't going near that dog or it's owner while they're dressed up in those gimp suits!" Martin replied disgusted. "Wait Mrs. Magrini ALSO wears a gimp suit...to the dog park?" Frasier queried unsure. "Yes and it's creepy as hell!" Martin again complained as he adjusted his glasses and changed the channel to some intervention program. "Well I am going to get to the bottom of this!" Frasier announced, "Just as soon as I get home from work." "Well good luck, because you're gonna need it!" Martin groaned as he watched a fat hoarder get screamed at by his therapist and family members on the television.

Later that day Frasier was finishing up a call with a neurotic caller;

"Marcy if you have a phobia of the dead, the best medicine is to confront it head on!" Frasier cried into the microphone. "I-I don't know Doctor Crane, I'm just really terrified by the idea of being around dead people, especially at night!" the caller replied nervously. "You see Marcy that is exactly WHY you haven't conquered your fear yet, because you are allowing your supposed 'nyctophobia' to enable this fanciful and otherwise meaningless fear of non-living organisms!" Frasier ranted angrily. "B-But Doctor Crane..!" cried the caller. "No buts!" Frasier shouted. "Move into a crypt, at night, and face your fears head on!" Frasier demanded as he ended the call. "Roz who is our next caller?" Frasier inquired. "Next on the line we have Zeke from Topeka, who says that he just really enjoys having sex with random hookers." Roz replied dryly. "Ah hello Zeke, I'm listening." Frasier said smugly. "Uh hi Doctor Crane, so I have this I dunno...I guess 'fetish' for putting my penis in random holes." Zeke admitted. "You see Zeke part of the problem right there is your objectification of women!" Frasier mused, "You see once you observe a prostitute or 'working girl' as more than a mere 'hole', you will find that the hole that really needs filling or a 'metaphorical penis' in it is your eternal soul!" Frasier lectured angrily. "And with that Doctor Crane, we're out of time." Roz interjected. "Ah yes good night Seattle, and good mental health!" Frasier said smugly with a face reeking of unearned accomplishment.

Just then station manager Kate Costas tapped on the studio glass before opening the door, "Big meeting upstairs, now." She said before walking away. "Gee Frasier you don't think we're going to lose our jobs again do you?" Roz wondered. "Nonsense!" Frasier replied, "It's probably just another pep talk, encouraging us all at KACL to keep up the good work and present our best faces." Frasier presumed. "It's radio Frasier, no one SEES our faces." Roz corrected.

Frasier and Roz hustled up to the second floor offices, where the rest of KACL was gathered around Kate Costas, "There you are now we can begin." Kate announced. "As some of you know since our initial closure interest in this station has decline by twenty-six percent, which may not seem like much but in the long run the numbers are dismal!" Kate explained. "Hey I've been working consistently since eighty-eight!" Bulldog Briscoe declared, "Which is sad that I have to cut your showtime by half!" Kate barked back. "This bologna!" Bulldog cried, "This is total B.S!" he ranted. "And as much as your audience has expanded since transferring from the 'delectable delights' to 'Gil's Gay Porn for Straight Review', I sadly also have to cut back your presentation time." Kate said to Gil Chesterton, whose face shriveled up and mouth puckered up as if he'd swallowed a box full of "sour patch kids." "Thieves! Brigands!" He cried all dramatic, "Charlatans and rogues the lot of you!" He cried girlishly as he stormed off, his high heels clacking on the tile floor. "W-well where does that leave us!?" Frasier asked hesitantly. "Well funny you should ask that Frasier," Kate replied. "Because of the success of our little commercial project and due to your popularity as a radio shrink, the listeners have demanded an upwards of forty-percent increase in the Frasier Crane Show." Kate added. "WHAT!?" Roz screamed. "B-but that means I'll be getting more time while everyone else gets...less." Frasier mumbled as Gil, Bulldog and everyone else glared daggers at him. "Watch your back harlot!" Gil threatened like a woman. "This stinks!" Bulldog cried, "THIS IS MALARKY!" He screamed as he took the drinking fountain, smashed the window and jumped out of it with the fountain. "Well what about Noel Shempsky?" Roz inquired. "He was insolent, I had him liquidated!" Kate replied angrily. "Now if there are no more questions, Roz and Frasier you are expected back in your studio while the rest of you can go home." She instructed before walking away into her office and slamming the door. Roz simply stood and glared angrily at Frasier, who attempted to deny any wrongdoing. "I. Am Going. To Mess. You. Up!" Roz quietly threatened before storming off downstairs, Frasier hesitantly following in pursuit.

"R-Roz wait, please It wasn't my fault!" Frasier wailed like a girl. "Oh really, wanna tell me again who's brother it was that decided riding around on a segway while playing a mobile phone game was good idea!?" Roz replied angrily, "W-well that could have been anybody!" Frasier lied. "Oh come on Frasier!" Roz shouted, "You know good and well it was Niles that ran that janitor over and knocked him into a coma!" Roz yelled. "How is Ed by the way?" Frasier interrupted. "He died yesterday morning, service is on Friday at three P.M, Kate wants you to read the eulogy." Roz replied. "Oh GOD!" Frasier complained. "Just get to your microphone and shut up!" Roz ordered as she adjusted herself at the producer's switchboard.

"**Laundry Day is A Dangerous Day"**

Martin sat relaxed in his lazy boy recliner watching "_So you think you can dance_", while there was a sudden pounding at the door. "Come in!" Martin hollered from his seat, far too engrossed with his show to get up, but the pounding resumed, louder and more forceful this time. "I SAID COME IN!" Martin screamed, but the knocking grew louder and harder until the old man could barely take it and he hobbled off of his chair and ambled over to the door, "God damn it!" He swore, "I should just be able to buzz people in via the remote!" He complained as he swung open the door to reveal Daphne Moon in a wheelchair with a neck and back brace, with three baskets full of laundry and pile of towels on her lap.

"Daphne what happened to you!?" Martin gasped. "I was tryin' ta climb the stairs when some yank left his dirty old knickers on the floor, causing me to trip and fall down twenty flights of stairs!" she groaned as she wheeled herself into the apartment. "You were in the hospital this whole time, why didn't you try calling!?" Martin cried. "I did you daft yank, about seventy times!" Daphne hollered back, "I got tired of waiting and just phoned an uber." She declared. "This never would have happened if SOMEBODY hadn't left his nasty crusty old skivvies lyin' about!" She complained. "Well Daphne, I just thought leaving them down there would be helpful for you." Martin explained, "After all you spend so much time down there, it's practically your hobbit hole!" He exclaimed. "I don't LIVE in the laundry room you old git!" Daphne yelled as she rolled up to the dining table, "I trek down there probably once a week, I've got me own room up here opposite yours and this whole time you believed I LIVED down in the broiler room!" Daphne complained. "Ah you'll get over it Daff, after all most families from Europe had separate living quarters for the help." Martin mansplained. "I am a certified CARE-TAKER!" Daphne screamed, "I AM NOT A BLOODY MAID!" she added for emphasis before wheeling away into her room and slamming shut the door. "Hmph, well someone must be on their period." Martin grumbled to himself as he returned to watching "_So you think you can dance_."


End file.
